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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Singledom during the holidays...


You're not alone. I went through some holiday depression this holiday season. Woe is me... I'm carrying around some winter weight (tan fat is hands down better than white fat!) and both my sisters have husbands and their own families when I have myself... But, I took that thought and ran with it. I have myself. No one to be responsible for, no extra people to spend money on, no in-laws to deal with during the holidays. No surprise here, but I perked up pretty quick!

This happy holiday attitude was in part to my tweeps and their thoughts on what singledom means to them during the holidays. This is what they came up with. Hope it perks you up too. There
are some pros to being single during the holidays!

Finish this sentence, "Singledom during the holidays means..."
@MyLifeonMatch one less person to shop for!
@lunalove31 i don't have to bring anything thing to my mom's house b/c i dont have a plus 1... YES
@MeetMeninNY not having to go someone else an expensive gift
@Singleintheciti I'm not disappointed when he get's me a crappy gift
@Singleintheciti I don't have to spend time with someone else's family that I may not really like
@LAmoureuseand I don't have to pretend to restrain myself on xmas cake
@MsChick74 being able to kiss more than one guy under the mistletoe!
@ButterandHoney not having to buy &/or receive gifts from significant other where u have to feign excitement. "Gee, thx! U shouldn't have..."
@misstaylorcast I can afford the $200 I just spent on a coat instead of a gift for a bf
@singlegirlie No relationship drama!
@SSDated Bliss. The most fun possible. Sexy fun. Freedom. Whatever your little heart desires
@TheDatingFiles Less Stress!
@CoolAssPuppy More cupcakes for me!
@hotrodgal means no arguing over whose family to spend the holidays with and more eggnog for me!!
@maryjanedupott more $ to buy ME something special and i know i'll like it.
@BSargentOKC one less family to feel awkward around.

And my FAVORITE! @BobbiPal Love can be right around the corner

So, don't have to have a Blue Christmas this holiday season. Live it up! Take that extra cash you would have spent on someone else and join a gym, join an online dating service or just meet up with your friends, have a few cocktails and make fun of all of your married friends that are having to eat dry Turkey and wear an ugly sweater at their in-law's house.

2010 has been a GREAT year for me and I know 2011 will be even better. HUGE cheers and thanks to all my tweeps out there. You guys rock and remind me that I'm not alone in this crazy life of a singleton (during the holidays!)

Make sure to check out the tweeps above and if you're not on twitter yet, 2011 is the perfect time to start. I tweet during dates. Yup... that's reason enough to join! Please pass this post on and finish this sentence in the comments yourself... "Singledom during the holidays means..."

Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Modern Day Love Letter

I have been getting some seriously interesting emails from guys on dating sites lately and some of them are too good to not post.

The thing I don't really understand about this one is that I'm not a "talk radio" fan. My profile says I like music, but nothing says anything about talk radio. What would make him write NPR Anyone?" in the subject line? It doesn't scream OPEN ME, does it?


Email 1 (via Match.com):
Subject: NPR Anyone?
I consider myself to be a well rounded handsome worldly generous individual who appreciates and enjoys the time to cook for people that I deeply appreciate and enjoy. Add some nice red wine and you have someone who resonates with passion for the meaning of living in this world, intellect to talk about worldly politics, after all the world around us is larger then what we see and live in. I would love to learn more about you, your passions, what excites you about life, where did you grow up perhaps share some nice stores of exploring the world over a nice bottle of wine. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Cheers

Unfortunately, I haven't traveled much either. I did the whole "studying abroad" thing, but it's not like I have a treasure chest of "exploring the world" stories. Did I mention in his "about me" he says that he is LONELY?

This next one starts with the online dating cold call and it goes downhill from there.

Email 2 (via OkCupid):
Subject: Are people afraid to meet you?
Well I am. I could have sworn I've seen your profile and emailed you before, but either Cupid is now freelancing as a professional cleaner and wiped it off the map, or I'm mistaken... My favorite dates have by far been the ones staying in with someone getting to know them whilst watching cheesy old movies with some snacks. That's pretty rare for a first date understandably, but I guess I give off that trustworthy vibe. That makes me happy that my true self shines through the filter of the internet. Dinner, or a walk on the beach would be second place. Going to the movies would be the last. Why do people who don't know each other go to sit next to each other in silence at a theater for two hours? weird. At this point, it all comes down to whether or not you think we sound similar or not. Tell Cupid to take a five minute break and take a gander at my profile if you'd like.

So... he's afraid to meet me, but wants to me to come over to his house for our first date?

And, my favorite... the old man email. This was the last of the chain. He is 46, bald and kinda looks like Jennifer Lopez's hip hop ex-husband Chris Whats-His-Face. He winked. I sent him the "thanks, but no thanks," response. He sent me this...

my last three girlfriends were 25 27 29...
i really know how to listen to... understand...enlighten.. teach...spoil and pamper gals your age.. Give me 5 mins on the tel..and i promise i will change your mind..
its time to date a man....not boys.

To my delight, I'm not the only one getting interesting online dating emails. My tweeple @shesaystoomuch and @hotrodgal (please follow them if you're not!) are getting similar "really?" emails in their inboxes.

The "Unfortuante" Email to @shesaystoomuch:
Well. Aren't you gorgeous for being 35 and so tiny. Thought you were underage at first. It's not often I can say that about such a fragile and innocent girl being very attractive. You probably can't keep up with an experienced and bad boy unfortunately, can you? We'd definitely make good looking kids though.

My girl @hotrodgal has too many crazy emails to count, but here are my two favorites:
Email 1. 10 points to the person who can read this and translate it correctly the first time. PS. @hotrodgal is not 15.
hey whats sup i never been with a punk rock chick lol how u doing today love ya page n pics i just got home fom work and checked ur page u seem like cool peoples and age just a number and no im not a man hore lol i have no kids im been livin out here for 3 yrs and only been with one gurl i came from new york and no im not a yankee lol check it im 30 puerto rican italian mix best of both worlds baby wanna be my suga momma lol jk so what u do for fun?

Email 2. There really aren't any words to even describe this.
Dear Life Companion, Since Providence Has Taken The Curvy Wench Out Of My Life, To Reside In Some Far Distant Kingdom, I Am Looking For A Life Companion With Whom To Travel To Society for Creative Anachronism Events Preferably An Ansteorran Woman From The Barony of Raven's Fort Or The Barony of Stargate With A Few Extra Pounds In All The Right Places!!! I like going to the Society for Creative Anachronism. The SCA is an organization dedicated to researching and re-creating the arts and skills of pre-17th-century Europe. Members, dressed in clothing of the Middle Ages and Renaissance, attend events which feature tournaments, royal courts, feasts, dancing, various classes & workshops, and the like. If we were to become friends I was wondering if you would be willing to travel to and attend some of these events with me. You may be familiar with the Texas Renaissance Festival what SCA does is similar that only on a smaller scale. Feel free to ask me ANYTHING and I will try to answer open and HONESTLY.

Honestly, I'm not dressing up and going to fairs with you.

Send me your worst online dating emails and maybe you'll be featured!! Guys out there, do you get emails like these too (that aren't scammers posing to be Russian mail order brides)? At least you can be happy to know you're not alone
.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Sexter Update! (and the future of Sexting?)

My tweeple know that The Sexter is on my shit list. He came back from a few weeks away and I have discovered he can talk the talk, but can't walk the walk.

When he returned, sexts picked up right where they left off. Things were hot and heavy until his impromptu visit to my office. He stopped by, said hi and left. Now, this is not how I saw things going in my mind? I pictured things getting pushed off my desk as I was being pushed onto it! No, that didn't happen.

When I texted him later that afternoon saying... "Seriously? Hi? Bummed to know you can talk the talk, but can't walk the walk. Slam me against a wall and have your way with me or stop texting me. This is getting boring."

His response? "Maybe it's better it just fantasize." OH. NO. HE. DIDN'T! Now, this would be one thing if we had never met, but he not only knows what I look like, but has known me for 10 years!

So... back to the grind. Or at least I thought... Apple is trying to eff my new sexting hobby too! Thank God, I'm not 16.

A patent (filed in 2008) was just approved for "systems, devices, and methods" of filtering "text-based messages" based on "objectionable content." You know: Sexting and my recent pastime. This iPhone app can now help overbearing parents control their children's text messages and email. Again, THANK God I'm not 16 and didn't live in the age of text messages in high school.

Here's the text of the patent:
"Systems, devices, and methods are provided for enabling a user to control the content of text-based messages sent to or received from an administered device. In some embodiments, a message will be blocked (incoming or outgoing) if the message includes forbidden content. In other embodiments, the objectionable content is removed from the message prior to transmission or as part of the receiving process. The content of such a message is controlled by filtering the message based on defined criteria. The criteria may be defined according to a parental control application. These techniques also may be used, in accordance with instructional embodiments, to require the administered devices to include certain text in messages. These embodiments might, for example, require that a certain number of Spanish words per day be included in e-mails for a child learning Spanish "

In my day, I would have found a way to get around this. For example, my friends and I used to refer to the liquor store as the "library" and beer as "books." My parents probably caught on, but it took them a few tries. So, my guess is that teens will figure out ways to get around content-blocking, like using different words, or, say, picking up the phone and calling their sexters.

I also don't get the whole "Spanish" thing...

As a fun little comment game, post your favorite sext to get around this new app. I dare you.

If I was a teen I would sext something like... "I can't wait rub your corn cob between my chest pillows." Bwhahahaha!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Is it possible to have the Happiness TRIFECTA?


My friends and I have talked about this for years and all agree that the Happiness Trifecta may just be an urban legend, but for me, it has always been something that I can't seem to get around! For those of you who don't know what it is, the Happiness Trifecta (I'm working on my Trademark and copyright as we speak!) is when everything is going great in your love life, home life and work life all at the same time. Yes, it seems insane, because it is. With things like Murphy's Law the minute one thing seems to be going well something else gets all effed up.

For example, you get a great job and move into a new huge apartment with ocean views. The minute things are going well, your boyfriend breaks up with you.

Then, work seems to be going well, your house is all decorated and you meet someone new. A month later you get laid off and you're back to where you started.

Now, while I believe the Happiness Trifecta to be a governing movement in my life, I always add the elusive "health" factor in too. This just makes things annoying... things are going great and then I'm walking around with swine flu!

So, I ask you all out there is the Happiness Trifecta something you believe in? Think about it and let me know...

Monday, October 4, 2010

When Your Ex-Boyfriend Pees on You

If I was a dog, my ex-boyfriend peed on me this weekend. Yup, he marked his territory to make sure no other dogs would want anything to do with me. And, the best part? We haven't really talked in about two years.



A little background info...
McDouche (ex-Boyf, who used to be a McDreamy and is now known as McDouche) and I dated for a year long distance (LA to Northern California). That was four years ago. We grew up in the same town except he graduated four years before me. I had always known about him, but when we met at a bar post college, sparks flew. A day before I moved to Northern California he emailed me. Our first date was three days long. I fell hard.

We broke up the day before my 27th bday and nine days before my sister's wedding. Everyone at the wedding asked where he was and why he wasn't there. It was a nightmare.

A few months later I moved back to Los Angeles for a job and he could've cared less. He Facebooked me. I ignored him. Unfortunately, because we grew up in the same town, there is still a lot of crossover. My sisters run into him and his new girlfriend all the time. And that's exactly what happened this past weekend.

My sister was at a street fair and ended up at the local bar. She really wants me to find someone wonderful and whenever she sees a cute guy she asks if he is single and if he wants my number. (Hell, I date people I meet online, my little sis pimping me out can't be any worse!) So, she saw a cute guy (yes, someone else from the town we grew up in) and got his card for me. Then, she ran into McDouche. McDouche was sitting next to his latest girlfriend and said hello. He then noticed the card (that read, "For Emily" on it) in my little sister's hand and grabbed it. He looked at it, ripped it up and said "Your sister deserves better than this."

Seriously? He should have just peed on me in this animal kingdom we call a world. It would have been easier.

My sister gave the cute new guy my info anyways. We'll see what happens.

Monday, September 27, 2010

I Have Entered the FRIEND ZONE

As you guys know, I'm in sexter withdrawal and spent the last two weeks giving the Banker a chance. Here's the update...

It's been about three weeks and we've gone on three dates. The Banker is what you want your friends to marry. He is so sweet, pays for everything, and asks thoughtful questions. For example, I was out of town for a few days and he asked if we wanted to grab dinner and then go back to my place so I could catch up on my TV. No, I'm not dumb, I'm sure he wanted to go back to my place for a different reason, but the fact that he knows I have a close and complicated relationship with my dvr is nice.

Our second date was great. We went to a really nice dinner, got a little buzzed and made out like teenagers while watching Jersey Shore. It was FUN.

The problem? Last week we entered the FRIEND ZONE.


We decided to grab an early dinner and catch a movie. The whole date was great, but mid-movie as my hand was in the 7th grade pose hoping to get grabbed, I realized I really didn't want my hand to be grabbed. Our dinner conversation was more on a friend level. Now, we were in the dark and there was nothing urging me to put my hand on his leg, whisper in his ear, etc.

After the movie we headed back to my house. (side note: the electronic house music in the car was a bit of a buzz kill even when not drinking.) I was pooped, but invited him. Come on... I'm really trying here! Now, we're in my house and NOTHING. We watched TV. He leaned over and kissed me and the hot make-out sesh we had had the week before was a thing of the past. (This again, just proved to me the importance of alcohol in a relationship!) The kiss was wet and sloppy.

I'm now going to have to have the talk... "It's not you, It's me." "You're such a nice guy." "There just isn't any chemistry."

Back to the drawing board... have three dates set up for the next two weeks. And... we'll see if the sexter picks things up where he left them off.

My question to you all this week is... what does the FRIEND ZONE look like for you? And, what do you do once you're in it??

Monday, September 13, 2010

My Sexting Cherry Has Been Popped

I still don't really know how this happen. One day I was a sexting virgin and the next day I'm sending things in texts I wouldn't do in real life... Who is this slutty girl and how the hell did she get her hands on my iPhone? Oh, wait... that scandalous sexting girl is me!

So, the last week has been filled with confusion, dates and sexts all having almost nothing to do with each other.

Lets start with the sexting. Midweek I went on a lunch date with a guy friend. I guy I have known for ages. I even dated one of his friends. We were going to lunch because I wanted to set him up with one of my friend's friends. Somewhere between lunch and getting back to our offices (a 5-minute walk) the emails began. Over the afternoon, the emails were flirty, fun and a little risque. Once day turned to night the emails turned to sexts.

If you were in my apartment with me, my face would have looked something like this...


Two days and 562 texts sent and received later, my face looked like this:

Over the weekend I slowly turned into Pavlov's dog of sexting. I would hear the ding of texts coming in and all of the blood would rush down to my nether region. Words like naughty, tits, and cock were filling me head. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, but I'm not a one-night-stand kind-of-girl either.

In the midst of all of this, I'm also getting completely PG texts from a guy I've been out with a few times (we'll call him the Banker). The Banker is so nice, great on paper and "hopes I'm having a great day" every morning. The problem? I'm not all that physically attracted to him (although he is a good kisser). And all I can think about is getting slammed against a wall letting sexting boy have his way with me.

No, I haven't seen sexting boy in person since our lunch, but our sexts sessions have been wild and have taken place everyday from about noon to two and then 9-11 every night for almost a week.

It's like I have a devil and angel on my shoulders and need to make a decision... or I could just play this whole thing out and see what happens. The nice guy who wants to take me on dates and tells me I'm pretty or the sexter or wants me to send him pics of my boobs, but gets me all hot and bothered (yes, he is cute and has a job)?

Also... have you noticed that when it rains, it pours? No dates all of August and now I have 4 set up for next week. This dating/sexting this is exhausting, but you won't hear my complaining!

I wanna hear everyone's take on sexting. I'm still trying to figure out how it's such a huge fad with teens. Are they THAT sexually active that they have the knowledge of what to sext or do they just watch a lot of porn and follow the leader? Just so you know, phrases like "you naughty, dirty girl" are SO passe.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Fine... Sometimes It's My Fault

I'm baaack! As many of you know, I took a much-needed dating hiatus for the month of August. I needed some me time. To hang out with my friends, move into my new apartment, clean out my closet and get rid of everything that I didn't need. I purged. I purged both material items and things in my life I realized weren't good for me... shitty friends, a few extra pounds, old emails from x-boyfriends, etc.

Now, it's September. I'm 31 and ready to date men, not boys. August was also the month when dove into The Duchess Guide Summer Loving Series. The class is about focusing on yourself and what you want out of life, love, etc. (I recommend everyone check out the site stat, because Duchess Jill Brown is amazing!) One thing I learned about myself is that sometimes a crappy date is 100% my fault! While I would like to believe that I am perfect, I'm not and have been known a time or two to eff things up just fine on my own.

So, in the name of rehabing myself, I'm gonna come clean and tell the world about a few dates where I was the one who effed up.

Bachelor #1:
I met B#1 on Match. He reached out to me, was older, attractive and seemed to have his shit together. He was perfect on paper and seemed pretty perfect in person too. We met at a cute restaurant in LA and upon meeting me suggested we parlay drinks to dinner. WOO HOO. About an hour into dinner I realize that I have down 2 glasses of wine pretty quickly. As dinner was being removed and B#1 was reviewing the dessert menu, I try to be funny, tell a story with my hands and knock over glass of wine #3 into B#1's lap while drowning his blackberry on the way. Instead of laughing this off like I hoped he would, we called it a night and I never heard from B#1 again (that is until I was matched up with him on eharmony last month. Yes, story about that will come soon as we are supposed to have drinks in a few weeks.).

Bachelor #2:
I actually went out with B#2 during my dating hiatus. He emailed me one morning and asked if I wanted to get coffee. 2 hours later we were at one of my least favorite restaurants not drinking coffee (I'm still confused about that part). Either way, it was a nice little get to know you. He asked me to email him my number - which I did when I got back to the office. A week went by and radio silence. There was this great event coming up that I thought he would like, so I emailed him and said "Bummer, I guess I had more fun on our little get to know you than you did. Anyways, thought you would love this event." He responded with, "I've been texting you and haven't heard back."

That's right kids, I gave him the wrong number. I emailed from my iPhone and put in a 7 where an 8 should have been. No worries - problem solved! Or so I thought...

A few days later I asked if he wanted to hit up a bbq with me that weekend. The next morning I check my match to see that my subscription has expired. No big deal, I'll renew. Then as I try to input my credit card info I'm alerted that the number has been stolen and the bank has now frozen all of my assets. That's right I can't re-subscribe until I can get a hold of the bank. That doesn't happen until the morning of the party (due to the holiday weekend) where B#2 has now emailed me 2 days earlier saying he would love to come. I called B#2 to set things up and haven't heard back. I even texted an apology and still nothing.

So, see? Sometimes the stars aren't aligned and things can't always work out the way you want them to. I am at fault sometimes and am now more ready than ever before to see what else life has to throw at me. Lots of dates set up for the next few weeks... stay tuned.


Monday, July 26, 2010

The Awkward First Date!

I'm a little behind in my movie watching, but just caught The Invention of Lying on HBO. The date scene KILLS ME!

Yes, I do feel like many of the dates I've gone on and heard of could've gone something like this...


Bwhaha!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Online Dating Cold Call

I have NO idea what is happening, but I am experiencing a new type of online dating that I have never experienced before... otherwise known as, the online dating cold call (awesomely named by twitter friend @MattTheMedic). This is when you have never winked, eflirted, instant messaged or had any contact with someone before on a dating site and they claim you have.

This week I have received the following cold calls...

Thanks for the 'wink', I'm flattered!
Very cute profile...and, you live so close! I'd love to hear back from you. It's so beautiful out today...it would be great to meet you for a drink outside somewhere! Hope your interested and if so...send me a number to arrange!
Cheers,
Cold Call Guy 1

* When I first received this I was confused... did I wink at this guy? He doesn't look familiar. When in fact I was correct... I didn't wink at him. In fact he was significantly out of my age range (and spelled YOU'RE wrong). But, his tactic did make me give his profile a second glance... was I losing my mind?

Then... it happened again...

You winked at me, I winked at you or did I wink at you and forget? I've done that before....:)
If not, we should meet for a drink tonight.
Cold Call Guy 2

* I have never winked at or even checked out this guy and did he just ask me out for TONIGHT??

And, the third time's a charm!

Hey there, how's it going? I was just logging in and saw we rated each other high. It looks like we have plenty to argue about :), and you are cute as all get out, so I figured I probably should message you.
Cold Call Guy 3

* Hmmm... again, I am left baffled. I swear I didn't score this guy high and when you do give someone 4 or 5 stars and they rate you high OK Cupid sends you an email letting you know that you both find each other somewhat attractive. I never got that email... in fact, this guy got 1 star from me. If that is what we have to argue about, then he is correct.

So, this has me thinking... is this the new tactic in online dating? Do I start emailing guys thanking them for their wink? Is this happening to anyone else?

Things that make you go hmmm...

Monday, July 19, 2010

4 Stars for this online dating profile!

Sometimes there are some profiles that are worth sharing. This is one of them. I think it's awesome. And yes, he lives a good 3000 miles away from me.

My Self Summary:

six foot one, tons o' fun.

I'm the kind of guy who likes to take care of things. I will always be working hard toward the betterment of our relationship.

I'm a skilled homemaker. I mean, I expect to have your meal ready for you when you get home from work. If I find a hair in the bathroom, I am on that thing like Fabio on a "I can't believe its not butter" commercial.

I can do amazing things with my hands, like paint toenails and massage backs. I would just love talking to you in the mirror while I stand behind you combing your hair. I'd probably put my hands on your shoulders and tell you "everything is going to be just fine dear."

I collect Tupperware because, as most suburban moms know, "Ain't no party like a Tupperware party 'cause a Tupperware party don't stop." I love to bake and will most likely have pies and other goodies warm on the window sill whenever you get a craving.

I'm a lover. I really am all about chick flicks and cuddling. If you get cold while we are watching my favorite movie, "He's Just not that Into You," I'll be the one to get up to turn up the heat or put a log on the fire and brew up some peppermint or herbal tea. If you ever need to talk I'll be there for you. I'm a listener and will not only console you but will also bake you some fresh cupcakes to make you feel better.

Being a "seat down" type of guy doesn't mean that I am unwilling to sit down when I pee. In fact, it means just the opposite.

If you ever feel frisky, I'm an excellent love-maker. I try to keep my body up to snuff so that if you ever want me to get oiled up an act like a tanned buff exotic dancer in the bedroom, well, I'd be prepared; as long as we get to snuggle afterward.

People tell me that I look like Brad Pitt's slightly better-looking brother, but with the personality of Oprah Winfrey. I love Oprah. Hopefully we have time to watch that and Sex in the City reruns a lot.

I really like gardening and will undoubtedly find the time to craft an amazing botanical jungle for you. It will probably extend from the villa's rear patio overlooking the ocean unless it blocks the view of the tree with the wild parrots. If you don't like parrots, I am willing to learn falconry as you may feel a kinship to nature and think it best we hunt for our food.

Financial stability is my middle name. I'm earn'in 'em and burn'in 'em; cash'in checks and break'in necks - for the children. I have no children of my own so I like to volunteer my time and money. An investment in a child is the gift that keeps giving. We all grow old and go to jail one day, but before that, we are kids. Period.

I'm an excellent lounge singer and artist. If you wanted to, we could recreate the piano scene from "Pretty Woman" and the pottery wheel scene from "Ghost."

I love nothing better than to dance! I usually don't even need any alcohol to do it either. Sometimes a guy just has to let loose, right? I mean, I like to drink socially, but only when my significant other and I have discussed it and come to a team conclusion that is is appropriate. "I like to party not drink Bacardi 'cause I'm not look'in to throw up on nobody!"

----------------
are you still reading this? If so we will definitely be married, probably.
----------------

My life at the moment is slightly tricky and is sometimes a little much for most girls to handle: I inherited all this money from my grandfather who passed while skydiving near our summer villa in Italy. It came to me in cash and I have nowhere to put it. It is just piling up in my living room and the stacks are too big for the rubber bands, so they keep snapping. I was thinking about maybe just throwing some of it away but I thought maybe someone might want to come take some of it off my hands. I mean, I know it would be a pain in the butt for you to rent a pickup truck and everything, so I'm willing to pay you $30 per hour with health insurance and 401k if you can make some time to haul some of it away. I appreciate your interest in me and hope I might be able to find the love of my life here on this wonderful online dating website. I'm crossing my fingers, but as they say, dreams do come true!

The first things people usually notice about me:
Welshly Arms archery club wound hasn't healed.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
Music is something that plays in the heads of ice cream truck drivers as they fall asleep.

Listen closely:
- Blend or mix Two 8oz sticks of cream cheese, two eggs, 1/2 cup of sugar, splash of vanilla
- heat oven to 400 degrees, thaw frozen pie crust in oven for 8 minutes (with holes poked all over)
- take pie crust out of oven, dump batter in to crust, put back in oven cook entire pie for 45 minutes
- finished when a METAL butterknife comes out clean.
- as you sink your teeth into it imagine me without my shirt on

The six things I could never do without:
My curling iron and my hair flattener. I do my hair up and take it down. My record high is seven "up/downs" in a minute. Also double rainbows.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit:
everyone poops

You should message me if:
- you floss
- don't identify yourself with the heels/miniskirt you better be wearing
- enjoy the fighting style I made up when I was 11 (see below)

Fighting Style:
1. two people stand on opposite sides of the room
2. Each person picks a "move" that they must repeat over and over without pause. (there is no room for experimentation or warmup once the move is decided upon)
3. Each person begins their attacking (or defensive) movement as they stand in place on their own sides of the room.
4. After 15 seconds of this "DISPLAY OF POWER" they SLOWLY walk toward their opponent as they continue their movement.
5. When the opponents come together the malay ensues.

* Billy Blanks, my childhood ex-friend, stole my fighting style and sold it commercially as "Taebo." You will notice that when you watch Mr. Cocksucker he repeats his moves over and over, never just doing a single motion and moving on. This alone is PROOF that he was looking in my window when I told him to STAY OFF MY PROPERTY after he hit me with that water balloon even though I told him that my mom said I couldn't get wet.


** The best part? I emailed him telling him how funny his profile was and he asked me if my company was hiring. AWESOME.

But, wait... I don't like you!

I have been dating A LOT recently. And by dating, I mean going off my "ist" list and seeing what else there is out there. My type obviously hasn't been working for me (according to my family who continually remind me that I'm not married), so I've been dating a variety of people. (I.e. Cameron and Kyle).

Now, from my blog posts you can see that there hasn't been a lot of chemistry or even a blip of connection with any of these guys. But, I'm still bummed and this is why...

JUST BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU, DOESN'T MEAN YOU DON'T LIKE ME!

As I have said, I knew these dates weren't anything to write home about, but I wanted them to like me. I have lots of friends, feel like I make a great first impression, but no phone calls and no email follow up from my last few dates. Yes, I know this is selfish, but doesn't everyone want to be liked? I want to be the one that tells these guys that I wasn't feelin' it, but best of luck on their search for love. But, I haven't had the chance.

Again, I know I'm being silly and irrational, but it is one thing to reject and a totally other thing to be rejected.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Profile Tips from Me to Every Guy Out There!

I was asked to guest blog on Single City Guy's blog last week and wanted to post expanded tips here as well! I figure the more you know, the better luck you'll have of me not making fun of you! Recently I went on two dates in one week. I was excited about both.

They both looked cute in their online profiles and it seemed like we had a few things in common. Oh, how pictures can be deceiving! Neither date looked ANYTHING like his picture online. One guy even told me that his picture was 10-years-old! So, to help you guys (and girls!) out there who are also in the online dating world, here are a few profile tips to help find you your real match.

While all dating sites are different, the profile picture rules all remain in the same.

  1. Make sure your profile picture (and all other photos) has been taken in the past year and a half.
  2. Post a clear shot of your face, shoulders up. Stay away from professional headshots and profile photos. We want to see the real you!
  3. Steer clear of hats and sunglasses in your main photo. If you’re bald and/or cross-eyed we’re going to find out when we meet you in person anyways… no relationship should be based on lies.

** Girls! This is true for you too! Post of picture of what you look like now, not what you looked like 5 years and 20lbs ago. It’s not fair to either one of you! And… online dating sites are not a model search. Be yourself and maybe you’ll find your match.

Once you have your profile picture down, we would love to learn a little more about you. Some other tips include:

  1. Post of picture of something you love to do. Snowboarding, camping, etc. Then we know what kind of activities we’ll be doing together.
  2. If you have close relationships with your family and friends, post those pictures and don’t forget to label them. Sisters get mistaken for ex-girlfriends all the time.
  3. Do you have a pet? Show us! We need to know who else is shacking up with you!

Now some things you should stay away from:

  1. Please don’t post a picture of your penis. If we like you, don’t worry, we’ll see it!
  2. Don’t take a picture of yourself in your bathroom mirror with your iPhone or Blackberry. This makes you look like you have no friends. If you’re going to be online dating, you’re going to need pictures of you being you.
  3. Stay away from posting pictures of you and other girls. This can send the wrong message that you’re already taken.

With these simple photo rules you should be off to a good start in finding someone that really is your match!

My profile tips are easy too:

  1. Check your spelling and grammar. If YOU'RE not sure if you used the correct spelling of YOUR & YOU'RE or THEIR & THERE, google it.
  2. Please don't use "TEXT" language in your profile or when sending messages. You're sending an email, not a text and you have a full keyboard!
  3. Be specific of what you're looking for. If you just want to meet some new friends, say that. But, if you're actually looking for a relationship, we want to know that too. On that note, if you want to get laid, say you're looking for something "casual." Yes, there are girls out there who are looking for that too.
  4. Be honest. Tell us about YOU. Again, as stated above, it's never good to start a relationship off on lies.
  5. THINK about your intro. There are a few common lines you should stay away from. These include, "My mom thinks I'm a catch," "I can't believe I'm actually online dating," and "It's so hard to write a summary about yourself!" We're all in the same boat! Say something original!
  6. Don't state something you're not. I.e. You're not a foodie just because you like food and you're not "cultural" if you like Shark Week on TV (Just some examples I've run into!).
  7. Re-read your profile before you post it. If something sounds a little "off" we're going to think they same thing. But for us, "off" will mean creepy, weird and psycho killer.
  8. Don't try so hard to be funny/witty. Sarcasm and wit don't come across well in the written word. So write that you have a "sarcastic sense of humor," but save it for our date.
  9. Respond! When a girl reaches out to you and she's not what you're looking for, give the "no thanks" if you're comfortable. Then no one is sitting at home wondering if "he's just not that into you" we now know.
  10. Be you! (but, don't forget all of the other tips in the process)
  11. Be an active online dater. You can't just throw your profile up and hope your dream girl will swoon. You need to put in the effort to get what you're looking for.
Anything I missed? Happy online dating!

My BEST Date This Summer Has Been With...

My mom.
(no, this isn't us!)

Yes, scary, but true! Last weekend we went to a street fair in Los Angeles. Our whole family got together to go. Both of my sisters are married and my parents are divorced, so my mom and I get paired off a lot when it comes to family functions... movies, holidays, you get the idea.

So, we all decided that we were going to go to the street fair together. I had already had a great afternoon with my sister and friend seeing Eclipse (in a theater where you could DRINK!) and was looking forward to a great evening with my family and a few friends. About 12 of us gathered at my mom's place for appetizers and cocktails and continued what was becoming a great summer day.

Around 8, we all rallied and headed over to the fair which was only a few blocks away. As we were walking over my asked if I would be her date for the night. Awe... cute! The next thing I know she bought my ticket for me! (And you know how many dates I have been on where I'm picking up the check.)

We had a great night. She bought me dinner, we had wine, talked about work, summer, friends, and pop culture (Team Jacob vs Team Edward and that damn Ali on the Bachelorette). Seriously, it was one of the best "dates" I have been on it a while.

The moral of the story (at least for me) is to not take your family for granted. They will always pick you up when you're down and remind you that you are loved. My mom knew exactly what I needed and delivered. Now, if I could just find a guy to do the same thing, I'll be in good shape!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Geography of Online Dating

As we know, different sites attract different people. But, what I didn't know is that this foray in online dating love is just a big geography game!

For example... while I have found that eharmony in Los Angeles is full of IT guys and techies, it apparently attracts a totally different kind of guy on the East Coast. Another observation? OK Cupid is crawling with "aspiring actors" and "filmmakers" in Los Angeles, but is a engineer's dream in North Carolina.

So, what gives? Are there just different guys out there who are willing to try online dating or are they looking for something more specific? Are "aspiring actors" just looking for their next meal in LA and are the Techies looking for someone to bring home to the family for the holidays?

I feel like I have a good grasp on the online dating game, but am stumped with this one. Is the key to finding love opening up my mind to a cross country romance? Remember, I think driving to Orange County from LA is a long distance relationship.

I need to know... what does each site offer you in your town? When we get more specifics, I'll add them to the map. As of now we have Peter Pans, Aspiring Actors/Filmmakers, Cowboys/All-American Men, Techies/Engineers and Ex-Frat Guys/Sports Fans. Am I missing anything?
Boys, don't worry, I'm happy to make a map for you. What's out there? Is Plenty of fish full of potential one-night-stands? Do the girls on OK Cupid not leave enough to the imagination? Spill.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Divorce and Facebook? A picture could be worth more than you think!

A few weeks a got a call from my girlfriend telling me she had a "blog worthy" story. Now, she's married with two kids so obviously the story wasn't hers! She told me about our friend who just had her heart broken. She had been dating a guy for 6 weeks. The sleepovers were becoming regular and they were getting comfortable in their honeymoon stage. On dates he would even bring up things like if she wanted kids and asked if she could see a future with him.

Her future looked so bright, she had to wear shades! She has found a great guy who really liked her and wanted the same things she did. That was until he went on vacation. He told her that he was going to the East Coast to visit his family. He was only gone a day, when she saw his FB page and that he was not with his family, but with some other chick on a romantic vacation in Puerto Rico.

They had never discussed being exclusive, but it was something she assumed. Either way, it was the lies that ended everything, not the "cheating."

So, here we are, back to Facebook. I saw this article this weekend and couldn't help but blog about it. AP has gotten into the dating world too! The article is titled "Divorce Lawyers: Facebook Tops in Online Evidence." You can read the full article here, but here are the highlights.

"Oversharing on social networks has led to an overabundance of evidence in divorce cases. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers says 81 percent of its members have used or faced evidence plucked from Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking sites, including YouTube and LinkedIn, over the last five years."

And some of the things Divorce Lawyers have encountered:
  • Husband goes on Match.com and declares his single, childless status while seeking primary custody of said nonexistent children.
  • Husband denies anger management issues but posts on Facebook in his "write something about yourself" section: "If you have the balls to get in my face, I'll kick your ass into submission."
  • Father seeks custody of the kids, claiming (among other things) that his ex-wife never attends the events of their young ones. Subpoenaed evidence from the gaming site World of Warcraft tracks her there with her boyfriend at the precise time she was supposed to be out with the children. Mom loves Facebook's Farmville, too, at all the wrong times.
  • Mom denies in court that she smokes marijuana but posts partying, pot-smoking photos of herself on Facebook.
The best part is that attorneys now actually offer tips to FB users in case of a divorce! Tips include:
  • What you say (or type!) can be held against you.
  • Beware of your Frenemies (You never know who will take who's side in a break-up).
  • A picture may be worth... Big Bucks!
  • Use your privacy settings!
Yes, I know I'm still dating, not in a relationship and therefore not headed towards Divorce Court like Heidi and Spencer anytime soon, but this article not only made me laugh, but made me think.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Debate Continues! What message is your "body type" sending?

This has been an ongoing debate for about 3 weeks now, so I figure you can all duke it out in the comments.

As many of you know, I recently joined OK Cupid. On their site they give you the following options for body types... Rather not say, thin, overweight, skinny, average, fit, athletic, jacked, a little extra, curvy, full figured and used up (WTF? Used up? Who the hell would actually put that?).

A little info about me... I'm 5'5, healthy, work out at least 3-4 times a week, am a size 6 and a 34D. This is where the debate begins... I believe I am "curvy" ala Jennifer Love Hewitt, but it seems that curvy means something totally different in the online dating world. But, I do have curves that are real and not doctor altered.

As soon as I changed my body type from curvy to fit the emails and winks came flooding in. Was this putting me with more matches? Am I really fit or should I just be average?

The emails I received were hilarious... One read "Didn't your profile say curvy? You're PHAT, not FAT."

So... what category should I be in? Which will give you the most matches? What are guys looking for and does Average cut it in the online dating world? I need answers people... it might be time to change my body type again!


Thursday, June 24, 2010

Will The Real Slim Shady Please Sit Down: Date 2

Since Date 1 sucked so much, I was ready and excited for Date 2. The guy looked cute in his pics and had so far done everything right... he was coming to me, had set the time and place and confirmed that morning via email. Yay! A planner!

Lets call him Kyle... because he looked a lot like the character Kyle from the movie Road Trip! Again, NOTHING LIKE HIS PICS!!! In his pics he was scruffy, a little nerdy, but cute. In person he was SUPER skinny and gawky. I wasn't remotely interested in him physically.

We met for a drink at a local restaurant. As you can imagine, I was a little shocked when I walked up and saw Kyle standing there waiting for me. Hmmm... This can't be the guy that I have been chatting with!?

We grabbed a seat at the bar as I surveyed the restaurant... hot guys everywhere. I was in a Target Rich Environment with KYLE. Boo.

The waitress came over and I ordered a glass of wine. Kyle ordered Iced Tea. No!! Not Again! Apparently he had a big day tomorrow and said that if he had one drink he wouldn't get anything done.

As I sipped on my wine, Kyle and I chatted. He, too, wanted to know if he was what I was expecting. I responded with "for the most part!" but, I think he could tell I was still a little shocked. Like my discussion with Cameron, Kyle and I didn't seem to have much in common. On paper, we were a match, but in person he was brash and overly opinionated for a first date.

About a hour into to the date, I asked Kyle if he was hungry and if he wanted to share something from the Happy Hour menu. He told me that he had had a late lunch and wasn't hungry. GREAT.

About 20 mins later, after we had debated the importance of people becoming teachers in the U.S. (don't ask), I asked for the check (it was all of $8, that he paid for - thank you!!), and we headed out. I told him that I was starving and was going to head over to Whole Foods, which was across the way, to grab dinner.

Kyle thought that was a great idea and walked me there. Yes, he didn't want to eat anything at dinner, but had no problem walking me to a grocery store so I could get my own.

Fun times. I'm taking a break for the rest of the week from online dates, but hope the near future has something better to offer.



Will The Real Slim Shady Please Sit Down? Date 1

I was proud of myself this week. By Monday, I had scheduled not one, but TWO dates. One was from eharmony and the other from OK Cupid. (BTW, I still believe Cupid need archery lessons stat. His aim blows!)

These dates had a few things in common...
1. Neither of them looked anything like their photos in person
2. Both dates lasted in the 90 minute range
3. I didn't have chemistry with either of them

But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Date 1: We'll call him Cameron as he looked a LOT like Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. In his picture he looked like a cute guy next door (it was a black and white, side view profile pic. I know, I should have known better!). I am NOT attracted to Cameron. At. All.

Cameron and I met for Happy Hour in Santa Monica. Santa Monica is about 30 mins from me and 2 mins from him.

Tip 1: Guys - come to the girls! Why should we have to come to you? We can drink more the closer we are to our own homes.

The minute I arrived Cameron couldn't stop telling me how pretty I was in person. I now think this is because we are on different dating levels.

Tip 2: Date in your dating level. Don't aim for the stars! Date someone who is your physical equal! Unless you have a lot of money or are famous and then all bets are off - especially in LA.

The minute Cameron and I sat down the conversation went like this...
Cameron: So, am I what you expected?
Me: Um, yeah, I guess. But, you definitely don't look like the original pic that is on your profile.
Cameron: Yeah. I've heard that from a few people. It's about 10 years old and from a friend's wedding.
Me: Hmmm... you might want to change that! *smiles*

Tip 3: All pictures on your profile should be taken within the last 2 years.

Cameron and I chatted, had a beer, ordered some sushi and continued to chat about our differences. I love sports. He does not. I love culture, art and musicals. He could do without. Then we started talking about our experiences in online dating. He jumped at the chance to tell me that he had another date set up for this week. Was he trying to make me jealous? My response was... "yay! Good for you! You need to see what is out there!"

94 mins later we were saying our thank you's and I was heading towards my car.

45 mins later I received an email on my iPhone from Cameron.
"You can tell right away if there's chemistry. So, what did you senses tell you? Be honest."

OMG. Seriously? If you have to send an email asking if we have chemistry it's obviously not there!

I responded:
"Hmmmm... That is kind of an awkward question! I think you're a really nice guy, but I have to admit I definitely didn't feel any chemistry and we don't have much in common. But, I really enjoyed meeting you and chatting. I have to say that you might want to update your profile a bit with a little more info about who you are. Then maybe you'll find the perfect match! What were you thinking? Please feel free to be honest back!"

Cameron:
"Yeah. I could tell we didn't have a connection. Too bad. I guess I'll go back to the well."

And now onto Date 2...

Friday, June 18, 2010

It's Me! Yes, my life is a PERIL OF THE WEEK!

Check it out here.

After years of being on and off her favorite online dating site, a young attractive woman finally found a keeper. At least that what she thought. She named her new beau, “Tech Guy.”

The two had been dating for about four months. They enjoyed romantic dinners, wonderful day-outings and Friday movie nights on the couch. They were a true couple and things were going well.

Like many couples, they were definitely moving from the honeymoon stage into a real relationship. Tech Guy loved soccer and decided to take his date to one of the season’s big games.

When the two got to the game, they cuddled up under a blanket and cheered Tech Guy’s team on… until halftime. At the break, she wanted a snack and some hot chocolate, so she and Tech Guy headed towards the concession stand. The line was long, and her guy was getting antsy. After 15 minutes the line was moving, but very slowly. Her beau started to turn red with frustration. Finally a few minutes later, when they were only one person away from ordering. It went something like this…

Guy in line getting out his wallet to pay: “Oh no. We need one more hot chocolate and some nachos.”
Tech Guy: “Seriously? You just ordered and couldn’t remember that? Get the f&!% out of the way.”
Guy in line: “What?”
Tech Guy: “You had 20 minutes to figure out what you wanted to order and are now taking way too much time. Hurry up!”
Guy in line: “Dude, chill out.”

Tech Guy now went INSANE. His date had to step in to avoid a full blown fight and never got her hot chocolate. The two got thrown out of the game. As you can imagine, the relationship didn’t work out. It was a good date, gone bad. Concession stands and soccer fans are not high on her list for future online dates.

The Peril of the Week was contributed by My Life on Match and More

Thoughts!


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Ok Cupid... Really? Lets have better aim...

Dear Cupid,

Did you really shoot these people with arrows? Maybe the arrows you shot me with didn't have the love dust on them? Maybe I'm immune? Lets try to have better aim next time. Ok?

Thanks!
Emily

These are just two of the many RANDOM emails I got on Ok Cupid this weekend. Had to share...

Email 1:
OK, so hopefully you haven't erased this and are still reading. Truth be told, I wouldn't be surprised if you did, based on geography alone. Both you and I did put down "near me" as one of the main things to look for, right next to straight and single.

BUT, it's not every day that I find a 97% match with a fairly large sample size. So, like you said in your profile, you just gotta put yourself out there. You never know unless you try, you miss 100% of all shots you don't take, and all those other cliches are kinda applicable. I'd be remiss if I didn't make an overture.

So I have to ask:
1) DVR or TiVo?
2) Ever been to Nashville? It's basically LA/Hollywood for country singers. Every bar has live music, every night. Every waitress and waiter are aspiring music stars. It's pretty cool, and I'm not all that into country but was very much inspired by the vibe.

OK, that was random enough. Thanks for taking a break to read this far, and hope you're still interested, or at the very least mildly intrigued. Best of luck for whatever and whomever it is you're looking for, look forward to hearing from you soon!

This guy has no confidence! Not sexy. And... he's from a city almost all the way across the country. What part of within 25 miles didn't he understand? I think that there are places in Los Angeles county that count as a "long distance" or "geographically undesirable" relationship.

Email 2:
So Beautiful, I rate you 5 plus
I found you on OKC today and surprise me... how beautiful you are. just awesome... So, I decide to drop few word, when I read your profile and saw photos.
You don't have to tell others, we met somewhere else. met online is fine by me.
I love bottle of wine and add some cheese to enhance, while watching movies.
I love cooking at home or look for great food all over the places, even if I have to take trip to get it. I think I am confident, generous to anyone I do care. more like old fashion in some way.
I hope to hear back from you.

huh?

The search continues!


Friday, June 11, 2010

I'm EMBRACING technology

I now have a Facebook fan page... it'll be FUN TIMES. Feel free to discuss your shittay dates, your online woes and the pictures that don't look like anything you met in the bar last night. I'll be there with you.

Join me here! www.tiny.cc/MLOMFB


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Are "pseudo plans" the new way to stand someone up?

Today was an interesting day... I got in a bitch fight with technology. I tried to switch the domain name from blogspot to www.mylifeonmatchandmore.com (it's now working! waddup!?) and in a flash all of the comments from two years of blogging disappeared. This was all happening as I was waiting, not patiently, for an email to come through about my date tonight.

I have been chatting with a guy on eharmony for a while (yes, again, I made it through the "communication stages" and felt like Atreyu finally making it to the Oracle in The Never Ending Story) and we had been emailing back and forth. He had emailed on Monday. He told me that he had gotten sick over the weekend, but was doing his best to be better by Thursday when we were supposed to "get together." As I do with most emails, I responded later that day saying, "Yes, Thursday still works. What's the plan?"

RADIO SILENCE.

Seriously? So, I woke up this morning wondering... "Do I have a date tonight?"

This got me thinking... are pseudo plans just another nice (but, not so nice) way to blow someone off? It makes a girl get her hopes up (along with her nails done) and then NOTHING. So, thinking I had nothing to lose, I emailed this am... "Hey there, I never heard back from you. What's the plan Stan?" (No, Stan is not his name, but we can call him that if you like.)

At 4pm (that's right people... 4!!!) Stan emailed an apology and asked if maybe we could get together sometime this weekend because he still wasn't feeling great. Oh, and PS. sorry to have dropped the email ball.

Again, I really feel like I have nothing to lose. What's the worst that's going to happen (besides getting cut up in little pieces and left in the woods by a crazed online dater!?)? I figure the worst is that I'll be uninterested and have to buy my own wine again. I'm 30... been there, done that.

So, the email game is back on. But, my question remains... Are the pseudo plans just a new way to "stand up" someone or are people just really that busy that they can't commit to something in advance? I hate that I'm a planner (my legs don't shave themselves!), but hope someday someone will love me for it.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I Don't Drink - Take 2. Introducing... Cheap Water Guy!

Because I didn't learn my lesson the first time!

After the arduous task of going through the eharmony communication steps, I finally met one of my matches (we'll call him Water Guy) in person. We planned on meeting for drinks at a local restaurant. A few minutes before leaving, I checked his profile one last time for info... It was starring me in the face... I DON'T DRINK. Huh? Why did he agree to drinks?

I texted him immediately asking if he wanted to switch to something without alcohol... Starbucks? Maybe Pinkberry? Water Guy kindly declined and said he was on his way. A few minutes before we were supposed to meet Water Guy called... He was lost. Literally, he was around the corner and couldn't find the restaurant. Dr. Google? Calling for a consultation on the smart phone? You there? The date was definitely off to an interesting start!

Finally Water Guy arrived and we were met by the waitress. I ordered a glass of wine (he might not drink, but you know I do!) and he ordered WATER. Not bottled water, the water that they offer you when you sit down.



An hour later, after he had pitched me how great he and his family are the conversation was winding down and Water Guy was still drinking water (his glass had been refilled several times). This got me thinking... If I hadn't ordered wine we would have been kicked out of the bar, no? The bill came and Water Guy completely ignored it. I gave him one more try to redeem himself, but after 5 minutes I gave up. I paid for my wine, said thank you for the evening and left.


The whole way home I couldn't help thinking... 1. Aaron Karo would be ashamed of you and 2. I hope Water Guy has to pee the whole way home.

Monday, June 7, 2010

"I'm fantastic in bed" Marketing 101

I got this email today and had to post (I have no idea who to accredit it to!). In my "offline" life I work in marketing and think this is the perfect marriage of my two crazy worlds.

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's direct marketing…

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's advertising…

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you phone him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's telemarketing…

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink and say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's public relations…

You're at a party. A handsome guy walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's brand recognition…

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a sales rep…

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's tech support…

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all those houses your passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout out at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's junk mail…

Ha!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Dating with Technology - The ONLINE Relationship

This week I got an email from a girlfriend asking me what her ex-boyfriend was up to on Facebook. Seriously. They had done the Facebook "In a Relationship with XX" and now are experiencing the awkward aftermath of their exes being friends with their friends. Quite the Facebook pickle.

Technology is great. Thank God for small cells (although I did rock the Zach Morris cell back in the day and thought I was BAD ASS), pocket-size computers (yay, iPhone!) and texting, but sometimes it would be nice to get a sincere hand-written letter. Yes, I know I'm dreaming - shut up.

Without technology there would be no match.com, eharmony, Ok Cupid, Plenty of Fish, etc. but then I would also have to dress up and go out every night to meet someone! But, this is where things get tricky. You start with the wink, wink. You move onto the email. Exchange of phone numbers. BBMing and texting and THEN meet for a date.

Once you're finally dating you have the option to become Facebook friends. Girls... this is where I say... back away! Just don't do it. Do you need to be Facebook friends? I think this just opens up an opportunity for crazy online stalking. I.e. When his status reads "Out with friends" doesn't your heart skip a little beat wondering why you weren't invited and are there girls in this group of so-called "friends?"

Then... you have the infamous status change from "single" to "in a relationship." Unless you are sure this is the one, I reco leaving that status blank. Who wants to have to change it back and announce that you have broken up with your boyfriend OVER THE INTERNET? Really isn't a broken heart enough?

My non-boyfriend/online 30-something-year-old-man-friend (Aaron Karo!) wrote this in his latest book I'm Having More Fun Than You...

"The great irony is that these days we're so connected it's easier to end an offline relationship than it is to end an online one. We can break up, but we can't log off."

WORD. I'm glad to see we're on the same page.



Now, don't get me wrong, once I have his real email address I online and Facebook stalk until I know I won't end up dead on the side of the road somewhere after our first date, but after my first online break-up I decided I wasn't going to torture myself anymore and am just not Facebook friends with people I date.

The whole him being friends with your friends thing, is entirely another problem. Sometimes a little background knowledge is good, but your friends should know you well enough to tell you what you need to know like "I just saw on XX's wall that he moved to Guam so you can't run into him anymore, yay!" vs. "I just saw on XX's wall that he is engaged and his fiance is pregnant" (boo. bad friend... not cool).

Technology is only going to keep changing and we need to adapt our dating lives and style to stay sane. My sanity right now remains in check by being statusless.