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Monday, July 26, 2010

The Awkward First Date!

I'm a little behind in my movie watching, but just caught The Invention of Lying on HBO. The date scene KILLS ME!

Yes, I do feel like many of the dates I've gone on and heard of could've gone something like this...


Bwhaha!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Online Dating Cold Call

I have NO idea what is happening, but I am experiencing a new type of online dating that I have never experienced before... otherwise known as, the online dating cold call (awesomely named by twitter friend @MattTheMedic). This is when you have never winked, eflirted, instant messaged or had any contact with someone before on a dating site and they claim you have.

This week I have received the following cold calls...

Thanks for the 'wink', I'm flattered!
Very cute profile...and, you live so close! I'd love to hear back from you. It's so beautiful out today...it would be great to meet you for a drink outside somewhere! Hope your interested and if so...send me a number to arrange!
Cheers,
Cold Call Guy 1

* When I first received this I was confused... did I wink at this guy? He doesn't look familiar. When in fact I was correct... I didn't wink at him. In fact he was significantly out of my age range (and spelled YOU'RE wrong). But, his tactic did make me give his profile a second glance... was I losing my mind?

Then... it happened again...

You winked at me, I winked at you or did I wink at you and forget? I've done that before....:)
If not, we should meet for a drink tonight.
Cold Call Guy 2

* I have never winked at or even checked out this guy and did he just ask me out for TONIGHT??

And, the third time's a charm!

Hey there, how's it going? I was just logging in and saw we rated each other high. It looks like we have plenty to argue about :), and you are cute as all get out, so I figured I probably should message you.
Cold Call Guy 3

* Hmmm... again, I am left baffled. I swear I didn't score this guy high and when you do give someone 4 or 5 stars and they rate you high OK Cupid sends you an email letting you know that you both find each other somewhat attractive. I never got that email... in fact, this guy got 1 star from me. If that is what we have to argue about, then he is correct.

So, this has me thinking... is this the new tactic in online dating? Do I start emailing guys thanking them for their wink? Is this happening to anyone else?

Things that make you go hmmm...

Monday, July 19, 2010

4 Stars for this online dating profile!

Sometimes there are some profiles that are worth sharing. This is one of them. I think it's awesome. And yes, he lives a good 3000 miles away from me.

My Self Summary:

six foot one, tons o' fun.

I'm the kind of guy who likes to take care of things. I will always be working hard toward the betterment of our relationship.

I'm a skilled homemaker. I mean, I expect to have your meal ready for you when you get home from work. If I find a hair in the bathroom, I am on that thing like Fabio on a "I can't believe its not butter" commercial.

I can do amazing things with my hands, like paint toenails and massage backs. I would just love talking to you in the mirror while I stand behind you combing your hair. I'd probably put my hands on your shoulders and tell you "everything is going to be just fine dear."

I collect Tupperware because, as most suburban moms know, "Ain't no party like a Tupperware party 'cause a Tupperware party don't stop." I love to bake and will most likely have pies and other goodies warm on the window sill whenever you get a craving.

I'm a lover. I really am all about chick flicks and cuddling. If you get cold while we are watching my favorite movie, "He's Just not that Into You," I'll be the one to get up to turn up the heat or put a log on the fire and brew up some peppermint or herbal tea. If you ever need to talk I'll be there for you. I'm a listener and will not only console you but will also bake you some fresh cupcakes to make you feel better.

Being a "seat down" type of guy doesn't mean that I am unwilling to sit down when I pee. In fact, it means just the opposite.

If you ever feel frisky, I'm an excellent love-maker. I try to keep my body up to snuff so that if you ever want me to get oiled up an act like a tanned buff exotic dancer in the bedroom, well, I'd be prepared; as long as we get to snuggle afterward.

People tell me that I look like Brad Pitt's slightly better-looking brother, but with the personality of Oprah Winfrey. I love Oprah. Hopefully we have time to watch that and Sex in the City reruns a lot.

I really like gardening and will undoubtedly find the time to craft an amazing botanical jungle for you. It will probably extend from the villa's rear patio overlooking the ocean unless it blocks the view of the tree with the wild parrots. If you don't like parrots, I am willing to learn falconry as you may feel a kinship to nature and think it best we hunt for our food.

Financial stability is my middle name. I'm earn'in 'em and burn'in 'em; cash'in checks and break'in necks - for the children. I have no children of my own so I like to volunteer my time and money. An investment in a child is the gift that keeps giving. We all grow old and go to jail one day, but before that, we are kids. Period.

I'm an excellent lounge singer and artist. If you wanted to, we could recreate the piano scene from "Pretty Woman" and the pottery wheel scene from "Ghost."

I love nothing better than to dance! I usually don't even need any alcohol to do it either. Sometimes a guy just has to let loose, right? I mean, I like to drink socially, but only when my significant other and I have discussed it and come to a team conclusion that is is appropriate. "I like to party not drink Bacardi 'cause I'm not look'in to throw up on nobody!"

----------------
are you still reading this? If so we will definitely be married, probably.
----------------

My life at the moment is slightly tricky and is sometimes a little much for most girls to handle: I inherited all this money from my grandfather who passed while skydiving near our summer villa in Italy. It came to me in cash and I have nowhere to put it. It is just piling up in my living room and the stacks are too big for the rubber bands, so they keep snapping. I was thinking about maybe just throwing some of it away but I thought maybe someone might want to come take some of it off my hands. I mean, I know it would be a pain in the butt for you to rent a pickup truck and everything, so I'm willing to pay you $30 per hour with health insurance and 401k if you can make some time to haul some of it away. I appreciate your interest in me and hope I might be able to find the love of my life here on this wonderful online dating website. I'm crossing my fingers, but as they say, dreams do come true!

The first things people usually notice about me:
Welshly Arms archery club wound hasn't healed.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
Music is something that plays in the heads of ice cream truck drivers as they fall asleep.

Listen closely:
- Blend or mix Two 8oz sticks of cream cheese, two eggs, 1/2 cup of sugar, splash of vanilla
- heat oven to 400 degrees, thaw frozen pie crust in oven for 8 minutes (with holes poked all over)
- take pie crust out of oven, dump batter in to crust, put back in oven cook entire pie for 45 minutes
- finished when a METAL butterknife comes out clean.
- as you sink your teeth into it imagine me without my shirt on

The six things I could never do without:
My curling iron and my hair flattener. I do my hair up and take it down. My record high is seven "up/downs" in a minute. Also double rainbows.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit:
everyone poops

You should message me if:
- you floss
- don't identify yourself with the heels/miniskirt you better be wearing
- enjoy the fighting style I made up when I was 11 (see below)

Fighting Style:
1. two people stand on opposite sides of the room
2. Each person picks a "move" that they must repeat over and over without pause. (there is no room for experimentation or warmup once the move is decided upon)
3. Each person begins their attacking (or defensive) movement as they stand in place on their own sides of the room.
4. After 15 seconds of this "DISPLAY OF POWER" they SLOWLY walk toward their opponent as they continue their movement.
5. When the opponents come together the malay ensues.

* Billy Blanks, my childhood ex-friend, stole my fighting style and sold it commercially as "Taebo." You will notice that when you watch Mr. Cocksucker he repeats his moves over and over, never just doing a single motion and moving on. This alone is PROOF that he was looking in my window when I told him to STAY OFF MY PROPERTY after he hit me with that water balloon even though I told him that my mom said I couldn't get wet.


** The best part? I emailed him telling him how funny his profile was and he asked me if my company was hiring. AWESOME.

But, wait... I don't like you!

I have been dating A LOT recently. And by dating, I mean going off my "ist" list and seeing what else there is out there. My type obviously hasn't been working for me (according to my family who continually remind me that I'm not married), so I've been dating a variety of people. (I.e. Cameron and Kyle).

Now, from my blog posts you can see that there hasn't been a lot of chemistry or even a blip of connection with any of these guys. But, I'm still bummed and this is why...

JUST BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU, DOESN'T MEAN YOU DON'T LIKE ME!

As I have said, I knew these dates weren't anything to write home about, but I wanted them to like me. I have lots of friends, feel like I make a great first impression, but no phone calls and no email follow up from my last few dates. Yes, I know this is selfish, but doesn't everyone want to be liked? I want to be the one that tells these guys that I wasn't feelin' it, but best of luck on their search for love. But, I haven't had the chance.

Again, I know I'm being silly and irrational, but it is one thing to reject and a totally other thing to be rejected.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Profile Tips from Me to Every Guy Out There!

I was asked to guest blog on Single City Guy's blog last week and wanted to post expanded tips here as well! I figure the more you know, the better luck you'll have of me not making fun of you! Recently I went on two dates in one week. I was excited about both.

They both looked cute in their online profiles and it seemed like we had a few things in common. Oh, how pictures can be deceiving! Neither date looked ANYTHING like his picture online. One guy even told me that his picture was 10-years-old! So, to help you guys (and girls!) out there who are also in the online dating world, here are a few profile tips to help find you your real match.

While all dating sites are different, the profile picture rules all remain in the same.

  1. Make sure your profile picture (and all other photos) has been taken in the past year and a half.
  2. Post a clear shot of your face, shoulders up. Stay away from professional headshots and profile photos. We want to see the real you!
  3. Steer clear of hats and sunglasses in your main photo. If you’re bald and/or cross-eyed we’re going to find out when we meet you in person anyways… no relationship should be based on lies.

** Girls! This is true for you too! Post of picture of what you look like now, not what you looked like 5 years and 20lbs ago. It’s not fair to either one of you! And… online dating sites are not a model search. Be yourself and maybe you’ll find your match.

Once you have your profile picture down, we would love to learn a little more about you. Some other tips include:

  1. Post of picture of something you love to do. Snowboarding, camping, etc. Then we know what kind of activities we’ll be doing together.
  2. If you have close relationships with your family and friends, post those pictures and don’t forget to label them. Sisters get mistaken for ex-girlfriends all the time.
  3. Do you have a pet? Show us! We need to know who else is shacking up with you!

Now some things you should stay away from:

  1. Please don’t post a picture of your penis. If we like you, don’t worry, we’ll see it!
  2. Don’t take a picture of yourself in your bathroom mirror with your iPhone or Blackberry. This makes you look like you have no friends. If you’re going to be online dating, you’re going to need pictures of you being you.
  3. Stay away from posting pictures of you and other girls. This can send the wrong message that you’re already taken.

With these simple photo rules you should be off to a good start in finding someone that really is your match!

My profile tips are easy too:

  1. Check your spelling and grammar. If YOU'RE not sure if you used the correct spelling of YOUR & YOU'RE or THEIR & THERE, google it.
  2. Please don't use "TEXT" language in your profile or when sending messages. You're sending an email, not a text and you have a full keyboard!
  3. Be specific of what you're looking for. If you just want to meet some new friends, say that. But, if you're actually looking for a relationship, we want to know that too. On that note, if you want to get laid, say you're looking for something "casual." Yes, there are girls out there who are looking for that too.
  4. Be honest. Tell us about YOU. Again, as stated above, it's never good to start a relationship off on lies.
  5. THINK about your intro. There are a few common lines you should stay away from. These include, "My mom thinks I'm a catch," "I can't believe I'm actually online dating," and "It's so hard to write a summary about yourself!" We're all in the same boat! Say something original!
  6. Don't state something you're not. I.e. You're not a foodie just because you like food and you're not "cultural" if you like Shark Week on TV (Just some examples I've run into!).
  7. Re-read your profile before you post it. If something sounds a little "off" we're going to think they same thing. But for us, "off" will mean creepy, weird and psycho killer.
  8. Don't try so hard to be funny/witty. Sarcasm and wit don't come across well in the written word. So write that you have a "sarcastic sense of humor," but save it for our date.
  9. Respond! When a girl reaches out to you and she's not what you're looking for, give the "no thanks" if you're comfortable. Then no one is sitting at home wondering if "he's just not that into you" we now know.
  10. Be you! (but, don't forget all of the other tips in the process)
  11. Be an active online dater. You can't just throw your profile up and hope your dream girl will swoon. You need to put in the effort to get what you're looking for.
Anything I missed? Happy online dating!

My BEST Date This Summer Has Been With...

My mom.
(no, this isn't us!)

Yes, scary, but true! Last weekend we went to a street fair in Los Angeles. Our whole family got together to go. Both of my sisters are married and my parents are divorced, so my mom and I get paired off a lot when it comes to family functions... movies, holidays, you get the idea.

So, we all decided that we were going to go to the street fair together. I had already had a great afternoon with my sister and friend seeing Eclipse (in a theater where you could DRINK!) and was looking forward to a great evening with my family and a few friends. About 12 of us gathered at my mom's place for appetizers and cocktails and continued what was becoming a great summer day.

Around 8, we all rallied and headed over to the fair which was only a few blocks away. As we were walking over my asked if I would be her date for the night. Awe... cute! The next thing I know she bought my ticket for me! (And you know how many dates I have been on where I'm picking up the check.)

We had a great night. She bought me dinner, we had wine, talked about work, summer, friends, and pop culture (Team Jacob vs Team Edward and that damn Ali on the Bachelorette). Seriously, it was one of the best "dates" I have been on it a while.

The moral of the story (at least for me) is to not take your family for granted. They will always pick you up when you're down and remind you that you are loved. My mom knew exactly what I needed and delivered. Now, if I could just find a guy to do the same thing, I'll be in good shape!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Geography of Online Dating

As we know, different sites attract different people. But, what I didn't know is that this foray in online dating love is just a big geography game!

For example... while I have found that eharmony in Los Angeles is full of IT guys and techies, it apparently attracts a totally different kind of guy on the East Coast. Another observation? OK Cupid is crawling with "aspiring actors" and "filmmakers" in Los Angeles, but is a engineer's dream in North Carolina.

So, what gives? Are there just different guys out there who are willing to try online dating or are they looking for something more specific? Are "aspiring actors" just looking for their next meal in LA and are the Techies looking for someone to bring home to the family for the holidays?

I feel like I have a good grasp on the online dating game, but am stumped with this one. Is the key to finding love opening up my mind to a cross country romance? Remember, I think driving to Orange County from LA is a long distance relationship.

I need to know... what does each site offer you in your town? When we get more specifics, I'll add them to the map. As of now we have Peter Pans, Aspiring Actors/Filmmakers, Cowboys/All-American Men, Techies/Engineers and Ex-Frat Guys/Sports Fans. Am I missing anything?
Boys, don't worry, I'm happy to make a map for you. What's out there? Is Plenty of fish full of potential one-night-stands? Do the girls on OK Cupid not leave enough to the imagination? Spill.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Divorce and Facebook? A picture could be worth more than you think!

A few weeks a got a call from my girlfriend telling me she had a "blog worthy" story. Now, she's married with two kids so obviously the story wasn't hers! She told me about our friend who just had her heart broken. She had been dating a guy for 6 weeks. The sleepovers were becoming regular and they were getting comfortable in their honeymoon stage. On dates he would even bring up things like if she wanted kids and asked if she could see a future with him.

Her future looked so bright, she had to wear shades! She has found a great guy who really liked her and wanted the same things she did. That was until he went on vacation. He told her that he was going to the East Coast to visit his family. He was only gone a day, when she saw his FB page and that he was not with his family, but with some other chick on a romantic vacation in Puerto Rico.

They had never discussed being exclusive, but it was something she assumed. Either way, it was the lies that ended everything, not the "cheating."

So, here we are, back to Facebook. I saw this article this weekend and couldn't help but blog about it. AP has gotten into the dating world too! The article is titled "Divorce Lawyers: Facebook Tops in Online Evidence." You can read the full article here, but here are the highlights.

"Oversharing on social networks has led to an overabundance of evidence in divorce cases. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers says 81 percent of its members have used or faced evidence plucked from Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking sites, including YouTube and LinkedIn, over the last five years."

And some of the things Divorce Lawyers have encountered:
  • Husband goes on Match.com and declares his single, childless status while seeking primary custody of said nonexistent children.
  • Husband denies anger management issues but posts on Facebook in his "write something about yourself" section: "If you have the balls to get in my face, I'll kick your ass into submission."
  • Father seeks custody of the kids, claiming (among other things) that his ex-wife never attends the events of their young ones. Subpoenaed evidence from the gaming site World of Warcraft tracks her there with her boyfriend at the precise time she was supposed to be out with the children. Mom loves Facebook's Farmville, too, at all the wrong times.
  • Mom denies in court that she smokes marijuana but posts partying, pot-smoking photos of herself on Facebook.
The best part is that attorneys now actually offer tips to FB users in case of a divorce! Tips include:
  • What you say (or type!) can be held against you.
  • Beware of your Frenemies (You never know who will take who's side in a break-up).
  • A picture may be worth... Big Bucks!
  • Use your privacy settings!
Yes, I know I'm still dating, not in a relationship and therefore not headed towards Divorce Court like Heidi and Spencer anytime soon, but this article not only made me laugh, but made me think.