Monday, July 26, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Thanks for the 'wink', I'm flattered!
Very cute profile...and, you live so close! I'd love to hear back from you. It's so beautiful out today...it would be great to meet you for a drink outside somewhere! Hope your interested and if so...send me a number to arrange!
Cold Call Guy 1
If not, we should meet for a drink tonight.
Monday, July 19, 2010
six foot one, tons o' fun.
I'm the kind of guy who likes to take care of things. I will always be working hard toward the betterment of our relationship.
I'm a skilled homemaker. I mean, I expect to have your meal ready for you when you get home from work. If I find a hair in the bathroom, I am on that thing like Fabio on a "I can't believe its not butter" commercial.
I can do amazing things with my hands, like paint toenails and massage backs. I would just love talking to you in the mirror while I stand behind you combing your hair. I'd probably put my hands on your shoulders and tell you "everything is going to be just fine dear."
I collect Tupperware because, as most suburban moms know, "Ain't no party like a Tupperware party 'cause a Tupperware party don't stop." I love to bake and will most likely have pies and other goodies warm on the window sill whenever you get a craving.
I'm a lover. I really am all about chick flicks and cuddling. If you get cold while we are watching my favorite movie, "He's Just not that Into You," I'll be the one to get up to turn up the heat or put a log on the fire and brew up some peppermint or herbal tea. If you ever need to talk I'll be there for you. I'm a listener and will not only console you but will also bake you some fresh cupcakes to make you feel better.
Being a "seat down" type of guy doesn't mean that I am unwilling to sit down when I pee. In fact, it means just the opposite.
If you ever feel frisky, I'm an excellent love-maker. I try to keep my body up to snuff so that if you ever want me to get oiled up an act like a tanned buff exotic dancer in the bedroom, well, I'd be prepared; as long as we get to snuggle afterward.
People tell me that I look like Brad Pitt's slightly better-looking brother, but with the personality of Oprah Winfrey. I love Oprah. Hopefully we have time to watch that and Sex in the City reruns a lot.
I really like gardening and will undoubtedly find the time to craft an amazing botanical jungle for you. It will probably extend from the villa's rear patio overlooking the ocean unless it blocks the view of the tree with the wild parrots. If you don't like parrots, I am willing to learn falconry as you may feel a kinship to nature and think it best we hunt for our food.
Financial stability is my middle name. I'm earn'in 'em and burn'in 'em; cash'in checks and break'in necks - for the children. I have no children of my own so I like to volunteer my time and money. An investment in a child is the gift that keeps giving. We all grow old and go to jail one day, but before that, we are kids. Period.
I'm an excellent lounge singer and artist. If you wanted to, we could recreate the piano scene from "Pretty Woman" and the pottery wheel scene from "Ghost."
I love nothing better than to dance! I usually don't even need any alcohol to do it either. Sometimes a guy just has to let loose, right? I mean, I like to drink socially, but only when my significant other and I have discussed it and come to a team conclusion that is is appropriate. "I like to party not drink Bacardi 'cause I'm not look'in to throw up on nobody!"
are you still reading this? If so we will definitely be married, probably.
My life at the moment is slightly tricky and is sometimes a little much for most girls to handle: I inherited all this money from my grandfather who passed while skydiving near our summer villa in Italy. It came to me in cash and I have nowhere to put it. It is just piling up in my living room and the stacks are too big for the rubber bands, so they keep snapping. I was thinking about maybe just throwing some of it away but I thought maybe someone might want to come take some of it off my hands. I mean, I know it would be a pain in the butt for you to rent a pickup truck and everything, so I'm willing to pay you $30 per hour with health insurance and 401k if you can make some time to haul some of it away. I appreciate your interest in me and hope I might be able to find the love of my life here on this wonderful online dating website. I'm crossing my fingers, but as they say, dreams do come true!
The first things people usually notice about me:
Welshly Arms archery club wound hasn't healed.
My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
Music is something that plays in the heads of ice cream truck drivers as they fall asleep.
- Blend or mix Two 8oz sticks of cream cheese, two eggs, 1/2 cup of sugar, splash of vanilla
- heat oven to 400 degrees, thaw frozen pie crust in oven for 8 minutes (with holes poked all over)
- take pie crust out of oven, dump batter in to crust, put back in oven cook entire pie for 45 minutes
- finished when a METAL butterknife comes out clean.
- as you sink your teeth into it imagine me without my shirt on
The six things I could never do without:
My curling iron and my hair flattener. I do my hair up and take it down. My record high is seven "up/downs" in a minute. Also double rainbows.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit:
You should message me if:
- you floss
- don't identify yourself with the heels/miniskirt you better be wearing
- enjoy the fighting style I made up when I was 11 (see below)
1. two people stand on opposite sides of the room
2. Each person picks a "move" that they must repeat over and over without pause. (there is no room for experimentation or warmup once the move is decided upon)
3. Each person begins their attacking (or defensive) movement as they stand in place on their own sides of the room.
4. After 15 seconds of this "DISPLAY OF POWER" they SLOWLY walk toward their opponent as they continue their movement.
5. When the opponents come together the malay ensues.
* Billy Blanks, my childhood ex-friend, stole my fighting style and sold it commercially as "Taebo." You will notice that when you watch Mr. Cocksucker he repeats his moves over and over, never just doing a single motion and moving on. This alone is PROOF that he was looking in my window when I told him to STAY OFF MY PROPERTY after he hit me with that water balloon even though I told him that my mom said I couldn't get wet.
** The best part? I emailed him telling him how funny his profile was and he asked me if my company was hiring. AWESOME.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
While all dating sites are different, the profile picture rules all remain in the same.
- Make sure your profile picture (and all other photos) has been taken in the past year and a half.
- Post a clear shot of your face, shoulders up. Stay away from professional headshots and profile photos. We want to see the real you!
- Steer clear of hats and sunglasses in your main photo. If you’re bald and/or cross-eyed we’re going to find out when we meet you in person anyways… no relationship should be based on lies.
** Girls! This is true for you too! Post of picture of what you look like now, not what you looked like 5 years and 20lbs ago. It’s not fair to either one of you! And… online dating sites are not a model search. Be yourself and maybe you’ll find your match.
Once you have your profile picture down, we would love to learn a little more about you. Some other tips include:
- Post of picture of something you love to do. Snowboarding, camping, etc. Then we know what kind of activities we’ll be doing together.
- If you have close relationships with your family and friends, post those pictures and don’t forget to label them. Sisters get mistaken for ex-girlfriends all the time.
- Do you have a pet? Show us! We need to know who else is shacking up with you!
Now some things you should stay away from:
- Please don’t post a picture of your penis. If we like you, don’t worry, we’ll see it!
- Don’t take a picture of yourself in your bathroom mirror with your iPhone or Blackberry. This makes you look like you have no friends. If you’re going to be online dating, you’re going to need pictures of you being you.
- Stay away from posting pictures of you and other girls. This can send the wrong message that you’re already taken.
With these simple photo rules you should be off to a good start in finding someone that really is your match!
My profile tips are easy too:
- Check your spelling and grammar. If YOU'RE not sure if you used the correct spelling of YOUR & YOU'RE or THEIR & THERE, google it.
- Please don't use "TEXT" language in your profile or when sending messages. You're sending an email, not a text and you have a full keyboard!
- Be specific of what you're looking for. If you just want to meet some new friends, say that. But, if you're actually looking for a relationship, we want to know that too. On that note, if you want to get laid, say you're looking for something "casual." Yes, there are girls out there who are looking for that too.
- Be honest. Tell us about YOU. Again, as stated above, it's never good to start a relationship off on lies.
- THINK about your intro. There are a few common lines you should stay away from. These include, "My mom thinks I'm a catch," "I can't believe I'm actually online dating," and "It's so hard to write a summary about yourself!" We're all in the same boat! Say something original!
- Don't state something you're not. I.e. You're not a foodie just because you like food and you're not "cultural" if you like Shark Week on TV (Just some examples I've run into!).
- Re-read your profile before you post it. If something sounds a little "off" we're going to think they same thing. But for us, "off" will mean creepy, weird and psycho killer.
- Don't try so hard to be funny/witty. Sarcasm and wit don't come across well in the written word. So write that you have a "sarcastic sense of humor," but save it for our date.
- Respond! When a girl reaches out to you and she's not what you're looking for, give the "no thanks" if you're comfortable. Then no one is sitting at home wondering if "he's just not that into you" we now know.
- Be you! (but, don't forget all of the other tips in the process)
- Be an active online dater. You can't just throw your profile up and hope your dream girl will swoon. You need to put in the effort to get what you're looking for.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
- Husband goes on Match.com and declares his single, childless status while seeking primary custody of said nonexistent children.
- Husband denies anger management issues but posts on Facebook in his "write something about yourself" section: "If you have the balls to get in my face, I'll kick your ass into submission."
- Father seeks custody of the kids, claiming (among other things) that his ex-wife never attends the events of their young ones. Subpoenaed evidence from the gaming site World of Warcraft tracks her there with her boyfriend at the precise time she was supposed to be out with the children. Mom loves Facebook's Farmville, too, at all the wrong times.
- Mom denies in court that she smokes marijuana but posts partying, pot-smoking photos of herself on Facebook.
- What you say (or type!) can be held against you.
- Beware of your Frenemies (You never know who will take who's side in a break-up).
- A picture may be worth... Big Bucks!
- Use your privacy settings!