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Monday, July 19, 2010

4 Stars for this online dating profile!

Sometimes there are some profiles that are worth sharing. This is one of them. I think it's awesome. And yes, he lives a good 3000 miles away from me.

My Self Summary:

six foot one, tons o' fun.

I'm the kind of guy who likes to take care of things. I will always be working hard toward the betterment of our relationship.

I'm a skilled homemaker. I mean, I expect to have your meal ready for you when you get home from work. If I find a hair in the bathroom, I am on that thing like Fabio on a "I can't believe its not butter" commercial.

I can do amazing things with my hands, like paint toenails and massage backs. I would just love talking to you in the mirror while I stand behind you combing your hair. I'd probably put my hands on your shoulders and tell you "everything is going to be just fine dear."

I collect Tupperware because, as most suburban moms know, "Ain't no party like a Tupperware party 'cause a Tupperware party don't stop." I love to bake and will most likely have pies and other goodies warm on the window sill whenever you get a craving.

I'm a lover. I really am all about chick flicks and cuddling. If you get cold while we are watching my favorite movie, "He's Just not that Into You," I'll be the one to get up to turn up the heat or put a log on the fire and brew up some peppermint or herbal tea. If you ever need to talk I'll be there for you. I'm a listener and will not only console you but will also bake you some fresh cupcakes to make you feel better.

Being a "seat down" type of guy doesn't mean that I am unwilling to sit down when I pee. In fact, it means just the opposite.

If you ever feel frisky, I'm an excellent love-maker. I try to keep my body up to snuff so that if you ever want me to get oiled up an act like a tanned buff exotic dancer in the bedroom, well, I'd be prepared; as long as we get to snuggle afterward.

People tell me that I look like Brad Pitt's slightly better-looking brother, but with the personality of Oprah Winfrey. I love Oprah. Hopefully we have time to watch that and Sex in the City reruns a lot.

I really like gardening and will undoubtedly find the time to craft an amazing botanical jungle for you. It will probably extend from the villa's rear patio overlooking the ocean unless it blocks the view of the tree with the wild parrots. If you don't like parrots, I am willing to learn falconry as you may feel a kinship to nature and think it best we hunt for our food.

Financial stability is my middle name. I'm earn'in 'em and burn'in 'em; cash'in checks and break'in necks - for the children. I have no children of my own so I like to volunteer my time and money. An investment in a child is the gift that keeps giving. We all grow old and go to jail one day, but before that, we are kids. Period.

I'm an excellent lounge singer and artist. If you wanted to, we could recreate the piano scene from "Pretty Woman" and the pottery wheel scene from "Ghost."

I love nothing better than to dance! I usually don't even need any alcohol to do it either. Sometimes a guy just has to let loose, right? I mean, I like to drink socially, but only when my significant other and I have discussed it and come to a team conclusion that is is appropriate. "I like to party not drink Bacardi 'cause I'm not look'in to throw up on nobody!"

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are you still reading this? If so we will definitely be married, probably.
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My life at the moment is slightly tricky and is sometimes a little much for most girls to handle: I inherited all this money from my grandfather who passed while skydiving near our summer villa in Italy. It came to me in cash and I have nowhere to put it. It is just piling up in my living room and the stacks are too big for the rubber bands, so they keep snapping. I was thinking about maybe just throwing some of it away but I thought maybe someone might want to come take some of it off my hands. I mean, I know it would be a pain in the butt for you to rent a pickup truck and everything, so I'm willing to pay you $30 per hour with health insurance and 401k if you can make some time to haul some of it away. I appreciate your interest in me and hope I might be able to find the love of my life here on this wonderful online dating website. I'm crossing my fingers, but as they say, dreams do come true!

The first things people usually notice about me:
Welshly Arms archery club wound hasn't healed.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
Music is something that plays in the heads of ice cream truck drivers as they fall asleep.

Listen closely:
- Blend or mix Two 8oz sticks of cream cheese, two eggs, 1/2 cup of sugar, splash of vanilla
- heat oven to 400 degrees, thaw frozen pie crust in oven for 8 minutes (with holes poked all over)
- take pie crust out of oven, dump batter in to crust, put back in oven cook entire pie for 45 minutes
- finished when a METAL butterknife comes out clean.
- as you sink your teeth into it imagine me without my shirt on

The six things I could never do without:
My curling iron and my hair flattener. I do my hair up and take it down. My record high is seven "up/downs" in a minute. Also double rainbows.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit:
everyone poops

You should message me if:
- you floss
- don't identify yourself with the heels/miniskirt you better be wearing
- enjoy the fighting style I made up when I was 11 (see below)

Fighting Style:
1. two people stand on opposite sides of the room
2. Each person picks a "move" that they must repeat over and over without pause. (there is no room for experimentation or warmup once the move is decided upon)
3. Each person begins their attacking (or defensive) movement as they stand in place on their own sides of the room.
4. After 15 seconds of this "DISPLAY OF POWER" they SLOWLY walk toward their opponent as they continue their movement.
5. When the opponents come together the malay ensues.

* Billy Blanks, my childhood ex-friend, stole my fighting style and sold it commercially as "Taebo." You will notice that when you watch Mr. Cocksucker he repeats his moves over and over, never just doing a single motion and moving on. This alone is PROOF that he was looking in my window when I told him to STAY OFF MY PROPERTY after he hit me with that water balloon even though I told him that my mom said I couldn't get wet.


** The best part? I emailed him telling him how funny his profile was and he asked me if my company was hiring. AWESOME.

7 comments:

  1. Is he gay? Everything here points in that direction! Haha! I could not handle dating someone who could be a better girl than me... But yes, he is very funny and we probably would get along. LOL! Thanks for posting! I love reading awesome profiles =)

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  2. Oh!! If I only I'd given up on my Urban Cougar prowling I would make a pet man out of him!!

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  3. I was wondering the same thing as mshort!

    So hilarious. And he knows what to say!! ;)

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  4. I have no idea what it means to do one's hair up and then take it down. But I do know that it just made me fall of my chair laughing.

    And as you said:

    AWESOME.

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  5. I love this profile. It sounds like what the Old Spice Guy's Match.com profile would say. If he ever got off that horse, of course.

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  6. Just found your blog so I'm catching up on older posts.

    Seriously?? I laughed my ass off.

    "The best part? I emailed him telling him how funny his profile was and he asked me if my company was hiring. AWESOME."

    No, but really.... Awesome!

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  7. I have just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the hottest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

    ReplyDelete