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Thursday, June 10, 2010

Are "pseudo plans" the new way to stand someone up?

Today was an interesting day... I got in a bitch fight with technology. I tried to switch the domain name from blogspot to www.mylifeonmatchandmore.com (it's now working! waddup!?) and in a flash all of the comments from two years of blogging disappeared. This was all happening as I was waiting, not patiently, for an email to come through about my date tonight.

I have been chatting with a guy on eharmony for a while (yes, again, I made it through the "communication stages" and felt like Atreyu finally making it to the Oracle in The Never Ending Story) and we had been emailing back and forth. He had emailed on Monday. He told me that he had gotten sick over the weekend, but was doing his best to be better by Thursday when we were supposed to "get together." As I do with most emails, I responded later that day saying, "Yes, Thursday still works. What's the plan?"


Seriously? So, I woke up this morning wondering... "Do I have a date tonight?"

This got me thinking... are pseudo plans just another nice (but, not so nice) way to blow someone off? It makes a girl get her hopes up (along with her nails done) and then NOTHING. So, thinking I had nothing to lose, I emailed this am... "Hey there, I never heard back from you. What's the plan Stan?" (No, Stan is not his name, but we can call him that if you like.)

At 4pm (that's right people... 4!!!) Stan emailed an apology and asked if maybe we could get together sometime this weekend because he still wasn't feeling great. Oh, and PS. sorry to have dropped the email ball.

Again, I really feel like I have nothing to lose. What's the worst that's going to happen (besides getting cut up in little pieces and left in the woods by a crazed online dater!?)? I figure the worst is that I'll be uninterested and have to buy my own wine again. I'm 30... been there, done that.

So, the email game is back on. But, my question remains... Are the pseudo plans just a new way to "stand up" someone or are people just really that busy that they can't commit to something in advance? I hate that I'm a planner (my legs don't shave themselves!), but hope someday someone will love me for it.


  1. I think there's a common human desire in many people to not want to commit to plans. I feel like part of it stems from a desire to keep one's options open, and the other part stems from a desire to feel popular, by having several unconfirmed plans to pick from on a given evening.

    I *greatly* prefer dealing with "planners" as opposed to non-planners. My last lady-friend was *not* a planner. She even coined the phrase "half-plan" to describe the noncommital vagueries that were our tentative dates. That definitely crosses the line into frustrating.

    Probably the most frustrating of all is talking to people who expect me to honestly believe that they "don't know what they're doing later yet." C'mon. Either you have plans, or you don't. Sheeeesh.

    I have found that when the half-planner sends the last-minute (or in a worst-case scenario, post-minute) excuse/apology/etc, the best way to handle it is to calculatedly not respond. Period. Eventually, if they like you, they'll call a second time and make firm plans. (And if they don't like you you're better off not talking to them anyway :D )

  2. Oh no, I'm sorry it didn't happen after all of that. On the positive side, at least he emailed back right? That's got to mean something.

    I'm not one for 'pseudo' plans. Maybe initially, but at least have something confirmed at least a day or two before the event.

    Maybe exchange numbers, send him a text the day before saying 'hey, what's the plan for tomorrow?'. At least that way, you won't wake up on date morning wondering if you're going on a date that day.

    Good luck, keep us updated!
    The Single Filez

  3. There are a lot of non-committal people out there who feel tied down when they have to stick to concrete plans in the beginning . In this case, your guy might actually have been sick. Not sure, but it was rude to leave you hanging until the last minute.

    I agree with The Single Filez, having his number is helpful to getting an answer more quickly.

    On the plus side, at least you didn't have to go on another el cheapo water guy date. :)


  4. I hate non-planners. Most guys are non-planners. Most guys are also slightly retarded. Something in their DNA. I have no solution to this problem. But this post was awesome and I always enjoy a Never Ending Story Reference (Hell I even have it as one of my blog labels lol!). Great Post though. I'll let you know if I discover any good advice on the subject.

  5. Emtastic, I'm a project manager by trade and have been in a management position in charge of people and planning projects since I graduated college (I was an officer in the Air Force). So planning shit is in my DNA. I've planned things like how to deploy a $100M satellite control network to a surprise party for a 5 year old...even planning dates like you've been doing. But what I learned is that plans always ALWAYS change. And, like you, I got frustrated when planning something out and having it NOT go according to, well, plan. So now, I'm afraid to say, I'm one of *them*...you know, the ones who make *tentative* plans with people just to fall through on most and possibly do my own thing with other people anyway. Why do I do it? Because I've been in your shoes. I've planned things out only to have it fall through 90% of the time. So I decided to say screw it and play the numbers. Now, instead of making firm plans with ONE girl, I make tentative plans with 2, 3, maybe 4 girls. One out of those four plans will surely fall through leaving me with 3 possibilities. One of those girls I really want to go out with, the other one is a respectable second, and the third is my never-fail backup girl. You know, the one who will ALWAYS make it to whatever I ask her to do (ahem, the one who likes to make plans). I know the planner type because I am one although I make damn sure I don't bring out those tendencies in my dating life. When I find the planner type, she becomes my backup girl.

    I am telling you all this because I like your blog, Emily. I'm telling you this little "secret" so don't become someone's backup girl. I tell all my female friends this secret since I actually like them as people. Don't become anyone's backup girl. Move on from pseudo-plans dude...he'll get over it, and you'll be much happier finding someone who has you on top of the list instead of at the bottom.

    PS, I *plan* on being your friend on Facebook...I just have other people I want to friend request first...just kidding, we're already friends :P