"I Just Don't Feel Connected to You" says, Limp Dick

By far, one of my favorite Match.com stories ever! And yes, this is ALL TRUE!

About a year ago, I met an amazing guy on Match. He was cute, funny, had a good job, met my minimal requirements, etc. Lets call him "Dick," as in Limp Dick.

Dick and I had our first date at a local dive bar. It was empty when we arrived. We chatted for an hour over Stellas and hit it off. Within the next 12 hours Dick texted me that he had a great time and wanted to hang out again.

Before I knew it, we were BBMing all day and were chatting constantly. Dick also had a twisted, but funny, sense of humor and would send me ecards saying things like, "You're someone I could really see myself sleeping with sober." I was thrilled that he felt like he could be himself around me.

Date two was sushi (he paid!) and a little make out session. We had great chemistry! Yay!

Date three, in week three of us knowing each other, was very relationshipy. He asked me to go to a friend's play with him. I met him at his house and from there we went to dinner and then to the play. Afterwards we hung out with his friends at a local bar. Back to his house for another PG makeout session and then I headed home. Again, great chemistry. He was a very passionate kisser, pulled hair, bossed me around. It felt great to be girly.

Then came date four. By date four I was wondering why Dick hadn't tried any major moves on me yet. Did he not want to sleep with me or was he being that nice guy who wanted to wait? Ah, being a woman dating is tough. If someone doesn't want to sleep with us immediately we either think they are gay or don't like us. But, if they jump us, we think they are just trying to get us into bed. I get that we can be confusing!

Date four was right before Valentine's Day. We had only been hanging out for a few weeks so I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I thought I would keep it low key and made him dinner at my place. It was a "school" night, so he came over after work around 6. We ate dinner and then he said he had to get home to pack, do laundry as he was leaving for the weekend. Bummed and confused again, I walked him to his car and said goodbye. Before he left he gave me a Valentine's Day card and candy. Super sweet card, nice guy, with a funny edge, I thought that this relationship definitely had potential.

Then, came date five. Ah, Date five. A date that will go down in history as one of the weirdest dates in my entire life. We started off the night at a great little italian bistro. There we shared a bottle of wine and caught up on the week. He told me that he was getting off Match and thought that maybe we could be exclusive. OMG. I was thrilled!!

After dinner, with stars in my eyes, we headed back to my place. On the way in he stopped by his car and grabbed a backpack. When I asked him what was in it, he said, "clothes and stuff for tomorrow. I was thinking we could get naked tonight."

WOO HOO finally on the right page!

We headed to the house and into my room. Within a few minutes we were fooling around and clothes were flying. Unfortunately, something else was not even at half mast. So, I went downtown to assess the situation... was it all the wine we had? Hmmm...

After 90 seconds down there with nothing happening I looked back up at him. He had the look... Ah, uh, uh, huhuhuhuhu... and he came. Soft. After a 90 second BJ, Limp Dick came.

Shocked, I didn't know what to say. Has anyone else EVER heard or seen that happen? My response, "Wow, I must be good!"

I headed off to the bathroom to clean up and take a moment after what just transpired. WHAT. THE. HELL. JUST. HAPPENED???

I got back to my room, and Dick was sleeping. Well, I'm glad he's resting comfortably! I proceeded to watch a movie and rerun what had happened over and over in my mind.

So, at 6am the next morning, still shocked and unsatisfied, I tried for round two. Eff this, I am getting something out of this!

I pounced on him like a lion on her prey. Still, NOTHING. It was semi-soft, but was still not something a girl could work with. And then while naked and trying my best to make the most of the morning, this came out of his mouth... "I just don't feel connected to you."

I literally started laughing. "You don't feel connected to me? You looked pretty connected to me last night when you came after the 90 second blow job." Yes, I know I'm mean, but I was pissed. He was blaming this on me??

Dick: "I think I'm gonna go." He packed up his back pack and sent an "I'm sorry. I wish I was more into you" text.

I went back to sleep for a few hours and then called EVERYONE I knew asking if this is normal and if they have ever heard of being able to come while soft. I even Googled it. It remains a mystery, but at least I'm confident in my SKILLZ.

He was back on Match.com the next morning and we were still a 100% match.

The Drive That Was Longer Than The Date

Sometimes you need to put yourself out there and see what happens. Well, I did that and it ended up costing me 3 hours in the car that I will never get back.

Back in March I thought I would expand my Match search to include Orange County. For those of you who don't live in LA, Orange County is not too far in miles, but is far when it comes to traffic. 20 miles = 45 minutes. However, there are some VERY cute men in Orange County and if it means I'm going to fall in love, what's a little time in the car?

I started emailing with OC guy in February. After a few weeks of emailing, we decided it was time to bite the bullet and meet in person. I should have thought twice when he recommended that I come to him, but you live and learn!

We decided to meet at an OC sports bar and watch some college basketball games around 7pm. He lived 10 minutes from there... I know I'm dumb, please don't point it out! I left my house in LA around 5. Seriously, 5pm. I gave myself 2 hours to get there. I figured if I got there early I could always do some shopping before we were supposed to meet.

At least I know LA well! It took me exactly 2 hours to get there! By the time I arrived, my ass was asleep and my make-up looked like it had been on my face all day. Stressed and annoyed, I cleaned myself up and headed into the bar.

Hmmm... I looked everywhere and wasn't seeing the person I had been emailing. So, I took out my phone and texted OC guy to see where he was. Yup, he was in the bar and I just wasn't recognizing him. MAYBE, because he didn't look anything like his photo. Well, I'm sure he looked like that when the picture was taken, but that had to have been a good 8-10 years ago. Now he had less hair, a few more pounds and an "interesting" sense of style.

I'm there and do not want to get back in the car, so we sit down at the bar for a drink. I order a beer and OC guy orders a beer and dinner. Wait? Dinner? Again? At this point it is 7:15. I'm hungry, kinda pissy from the drive and my slight disappointment from the person sitting next to me, so I order something to eat.

THANK GOD FOR MARCH MADNESS or I wouldn't have lasted another 10 minutes. We eat, chat a bit and even after lots of emails realize that we don't really have much in common let alone any chemistry in person. Now, for those who know me, know I can talk to a wall if it will listen, so it's very rare to be in a position where I have nothing to say. In this case, I had almost nothing to say and turned my attention to the many TV screens of amazing basketball games. I love March Madness - Cinderella stories, last minute buzzer shots, college guys with amazing arms, etc. I digress...

As the game we were watching came to an end, I looked down at my watch. WHAT? How can it only be 8pm? What am I going to say to his guy? So, I did what any girl would do, I went to the bathroom to devise a plan. I called a girlfriend asked for advice. I even texted an x-boyfriend who lives in the OC to come rescue me, (un)fortunately he wasn't home and couldn't help me out. I finally made my decision - He only lived 10 minutes away, just call it a night.

So, that's what I did. By the time I had gotten back to the bar he had paid for dinner and asked it I wanted another drink. Since I had to drive all the way back to LA, it was the perfect out. No more drinks and we're in a bar - lets call it a night! So, at 8:15pm I climbed back into my car and headed back to LA. It only took me 50 minutes to get home and I got to tell 3 different girlfriends about my night. Ah, the drive that was longer than the date.

I'm still interested in dating OC guys, but they either have to meet me halfway or come to LA.

Girlfriends Should Be Hotter (Than You!)

NOTE: I have been a girlfriend before, thank you VERY much.

This one still shocks me. In my hours of match profile surfing, I came across a really cute guy. Tall, dark and handsome, early 30s, and lived within 20 miles of me (yes, any specific standards I once had - funny, nice, has a job, likes his family, etc. - have all gone to shit now that I'm of child rearing age. Don't judge me).

According to his profile he has just moved to LA. "Perfect!" I thought. "I will be his guide!"

We emailed a bit via our match inboxes and then exchanged personal email addresses. This is when it gets good - the Facebook, Google and MySpace stalking can begin! You can tell a lot about someone by their "real" profiles. These profiles are generally much more honest than their match.com profiles, so you get a better understanding of what kind of person you might be meeting. After one Google search of his personal email address, the nickname, Aspiring Model Man, was born.

Aspiring Model Man, was just that. Another guy from out of town who moved to LA to become a star. According to his profiles, he was in his mid 30s, had left a job he hated, an education he never finished, and everything he loved somewhere on the east coast, to fulfill his dream of making it big in Hollywood.

Now, having lived in Los Angeles most of my life, I have come across several wanna be actors, models and more. Go to any bar, restaurant or "invitation only" party in LA and they are the hot ones serving you your drink, passing appetizers or turning people away at the door. Unfortunately, it's just not something I'm interested in dating. I'm 30. I have a job. I know what I want to do with my life and I'm looking for someone to share it with me.

So, in an effort to not hurt his feelings, I pulled the "radio silence" card. Meaning, I pretty much just stopped answering his emails. I just wasn't interested. A few weeks later, I got an email from him.

"r u evvvvvvvvvvvvvvvver going to ask me out?" (I'm not kidding. That's exactly what it said!)

A few hours later I responded... "Here's the thing... I actually like it when men ask ME out. Also, I know you said you were in sales, but after a little online search saw that you're trying to be a model! I think that is awesome, but after being in LA and knowing a ton of people in the industry, I'm really looking for someone who is outside of that field. Ya know? I hope you don't think I'm a huge bitch, but I'm really hoping to find a real relationship and am looking for someone who truly is my match. Good luck with everything!"

Within two minutes, I got this response back, "yikes. i wanted a date because i really dont have many friends. if i wanted a girlfriend she would be way hotter than you."

At least I got a good laugh out of it. It is called MATCH.com, right?

I'm going out tonight and heading to a wedding tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get some good stories our of it, or better yet, a match!

The Online Dating Inbox!

One of the things I love about online dating are some of the very brave emails you receive. While I'm much more inclined to wink away, I give major props to the guys who send an email to say hello. I have, however, received some emails interesting emails over the years as well.

One guy sent me an email telling me what a bitch I was for only looking for a Caucasian "match." As you know on Match.com you are looking for your "match." I kinda like geeky, athletic, white guys. Don't get me wrong, I find men of many ethnicities hot, but I have decided that someone who is a mix of Ted, Barney and Marshall (How I Met Your Mother on CBS!) to be perfect for me.

As you know, online, the email is your first impression. So, the introductory email can be a bit scary!

Here's one that I received recently.

"Hello!

I hope you are fine and doing well, I look at your profile and really sound interested you look so pure I mean your look show that you have pure soul with lots of attractive in your appearance. If you are interested to know each other I would be so lucky really. I am new here in the area and would like to start new valuable serious strong friendship and let's see what can be there further..... whatever it was the kind of relation we may start it I hope it never be out the respectable and valuable relation which may create a very strong great relation or if no way at least let a wonderful memory stay till forever each one feel he/she add something useful to the other one. All I hope whatever it was even if it did not go further than this email I hope I let at least a nice trace."

huh? First impression? Ummm..., but an A for effort?

So, what should you say in your first email to a stranger that you're hoping will become more? This is your once chance and you don't want to mess up.

In the past few months I've gotten a lot of "UR CUTE. EMAIL ME BACK." and "You look like fun, wanna chat?" Is that their blanket "what's your sign?" line or are they being serious? So, now that I'm 30 and only men 45+ seem to be checking me out I'm going to be bold and start sending some emails of my own. I'll keep you posted!

Later this week I'll be posting the "If I wanted a girlfriend, I would've reached out to someone hotter" story. Oh yes, these stories are TRUE. :)

The Guy Who Forgot His Wallet

I met "No Wallet Guy" (NWG) on Match.com this year. Again, he wasn't really my type, but I've been trying to date outside my type, since obviously still single at 30, my "type" doesn't seem to be working for me! We emailed a few times and his profile seemed nice. A few things to note on his profile... He said he was an engineer and 5'10. Back to those "facts" later!

We finally find a time to meet and decide on drinks at a nearby high-end sushi place. I arrive 5 minutes early and don't see the guy from the profile anywhere. Then, a man about 5'7 comes up to me... "Emily?" OH SHIT.

As we venture inside the restaurant I head to the bar for our "drinks" and he heads to the hostess. WHAT??? Yes, NWG had made reservations. I quickly realize that drinks is turning into dinner.

As we sit down for dinner, NWG orders an $18 glass of wine and a platter of sushi. While waiting for dinner to come I learn a few more things about NWG that he wasn't forthcoming about on his profile. He has an identical twin (I have a ton of twin friends, but think identical twins are kinda weird). He is an engineer, but happened to forget to mention that he is an engineer in the Coast Guard. Wait, did I mention he is clearly under 5'10?? These are not bad things, but more things I was surprised by.

We continue to chat and things just seem to be going downhill faster than Jack and Jill. We have almost nothing in common. He doesn't own a TV (the only thing going thru my head is, how does he keep up with what's going on between Meredith and Derek let alone watch Sunday football??). He hasn't seen a movie in over 3 years (You DIDN'T see 500 Days of Summer???). He is into "extreme activities" like mountain climbing and camping. Extreme camping to me is having to crash at a friend's house and sleep on a full size Aero Bed.

So, after an hour of painful chit chat and LOTS of sushi the $100 bill comes. (I had a beer and 6 pieces of sushi.) I offer to pay for half seeing there is not way we are EVER going out again. He says thanks and then starts getting flush and antsy...

"Oh My God. I'm so embarrassed. I changed my pants before I left and think I forgot my wallet."

Me: "Hmmm... Ok. I'll get it."

Him: "Wow. Thanks."

Did he think we were going to leave without paying the bill or wash dishes in the back to cover it? Two minutes after I sign and pay for dinner I announce that it is time for me to get going. NWG walks me to my car and says we should get together again soon. Sure...

Oh my way home I call my mom and tell her my horror story. She responds with "WHAT? Is he going to pay you back? Oh no, Emily! Do you think was a scam? He picks up girls online to go to dinner with and forgets his wallet for a free meal! You were used!" I calm her down and just chalk this up to a BAD date. One of my guy friends said that he would be more likely to leave home without his pants than his wallet on a first date. Unfortunately, he wasn't the one I was on a date with. No pants would have meant no dinner or drinks!

The next morning I get an email in my inbox from NWG! It reads "Thanks, again, for dinner last night; I had a real good time. We talked quite a bit about family, I am always a little verbose around that topic. I was wondering what ur plans are for the weekend. I don't have too much going on; Let me know if your up for something."

I was in shock! Did he really want to go out again? I would have been mortified and hid in my house for a week. So, I responded (I'm DEAD serious. This is what I wrote word-for-word)

"Hi NWG,

Thanks for your email. While it was great meeting you, per our conversation at dinner, I definitely don't think we have all that much in common. I’m much more of a pop culture girl, while you enjoy more extreme hobbies.

Also, while I know you didn’t mean to forget your wallet, the date was really expensive and I blew my weekend budget on our dinner. As a small business owner I'm on a really tight budget. Of course, I wasn't expecting you to pay for our date (hence me asking if we could split it), but I also wasn't expecting to pay for the whole thing either.

Good luck with your search. I’m sure you’ll find someone who is a perfect match for you."

10 minutes later, this was his response, "Thank you for your honesty, I do apologize about the dinner/wallet issue. I would like to take care of my portion of dinner. I appreciate that you dealt with it gracefully. However, I don't think you should take the hit. If you would let me give u cash 50 60 bucks I would like that. "

Now, I'm at a crossroads. Am I that bitchy girl who asks for money back or do I just not respond and end the whole thing now?

I was peer-pressured I tell you! The girls in my life "made" me respond and later that day NWG dropped off a card and $60 in cash to an undisclosed location which was not my house. The card said it all. It was a hallmark card that read "Congratulations on finding the one!" NWG wrote on the inside "Not a match. Good luck with your search!"

In the end he redeemed himself and is really a nice guy. Major props for the funny card and the cash! But, I chose to go home and start match.com surfing again.

Blackberry Messenger is NOT an OK form of communication

Anyone who has seen "He's Just Not That Into You" and who is currently dating, knows that there are far too many forms of communication in the dating world. There is instant message, blackberry messenger (bbm), texting (and sexting!), email (personal and your online dating inbox), your cell, work and home phones and of course an actual card (I think I have gotten 2 of these in my entire life from someone I've been dating and one was written by the florist). So, you have to be careful about what road you're okay taking when you start communicating with someone. I usually am okay with email an the occasional text/bbm if that person has called in the past and doesn't have a fear of picking up the phone.

I recently went a few dates with a guy (we'll call him Tall Guy - he is 6'4 and all legs) and we met on eharmony. We chatted on the phone a few times, emailed and had now gone on 2 dates - one at Pinkberry and one a fun Japanese place. After these dates, I had decided it was okay to accept him as a bbm contact. BIG MISTAKE. After 2 weeks of him not asking me out again, but feeling the need to check in via bbm, our messengering conversation went something like this...

Emily: Hey - so here's the thing and I'm just gonna throw it out there... I know ur busy, but I like it when guys call and chat and ask me out on dates. So, if you wanna hang out again lemme know. Bbm is good for "hi" but a call is better :)

Tall Guy: :( I'm sorry!

Emily: You don't have to be sorry. I get it... technology makes dating too confusing. I just havn't heard from u besides bbm in a while so wasn't sure what u were thinking

Tall Guy: I understand what u mean.

Emily: I'm just not big on having to make the effort all the time. I'm looking to get wooed - at some point :)

Tall Guy: I've been in a work bubble this week and last and have been anti social. Your the second girl to make me realize that.

Emily: I just always figured if someone liked me they'd want to see me, but again, I'm not really sure if that's the case

Tall Guy: Well I would definitely love to see u again! and catch up on the phone too.

Emily: Good! :)

Emily: U have my info - call me when u have a time u want to ask me out. Cool?

Tall Guy: I will. I have NOTHING work related over the weekend.

Emily: I'm actually crazy busy this weekend. But, I'm around next week. Cool?

Tall Guy: Ok. We'll definitely do dinner next week.

Emily: Sounds good. Talk soon :)

Tall Guy: Thanks:). Talk to u later.

Emily: Nite :). Sorry to get all girly on u

Tall Guy: I like your style;)

Emily: :). Nite!

Tall Guy: Gnite

Yay! He's gonna call and we're going to go out again!

Another 2 weeks fly by with radio silence and I figure I have nothing to lose and shoot him a text saying, "Hey, bummer I never heard from you. Hope all is well!" Hey, it was worth a shot, right?

He responded a few hours later... "I thought you blew me off." I officially give up. SERIOUSLY? I was actually really bummed by this too - he was cute, fun and really nice in person.

The lesson learned from this experience? Make them call you and only text and bmm when you have something short and sweet to day. Every date just gets you closer to the "one" right?

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My Life on Match & More on Facebook!  

I'm also on twitter @mylifeonmatch.  Maybe I'll tweet while I'm a date? I've texted for help before, so tweeting can't be any different, right? 

Match.com - The Game!

When I first jumped on the online dating train, I was nervous.  Nervous to have my photo and info out there and nervous that I would meet someone, they would be a crazy killer and I would be drugged and chopped up into a bunch of pieces.   So, one of my friends suggested we turn it into a game.  I LOVE games and am very competitive.  GAME ON.     

He and I were both on Match so we broke things up into a point system.  

• You wink at someone - 1 point  (cannot count for more than 25% of your total score)
• Someone winks back at you - 1 point  (cannot count for more than 25% of your total score)
• Someone of the same sex winks at you - 2 points 
• Someone you would actually want to go out with winks at you - 2 points
• Someone winks at your from a different country - 3 points (you cannot have winked at them first to receive full points.  PS. This has totally happened to me.  A 65-year-old man from Japan winked at me.  I did not wink back.  But, EXTRA POINTS!) 
• Someone who is old enough to be your parent winks or emails you - 1/2 point (ewww!)
• Someone emails you - 1 point
• Someone emails you with no grammar or spelling errors! (Those of you who are online dating know this is very rare!) - 2 points
• Someone emails you who you actually want to go out with - 3 points
• You exchange "real" email addresses! - 3 points
• You go on a Match.com date - 5 points
• You go on a 2nd date with someone you met on Match - 5 points
• You date someone off Match.com for longer than 6 weeks and then break-up.  No points, but the other player pays for your new subscription so they have someone to "play" with!

The first one to 100 points owed the other one dinner.  Duh, I won.  I was winking and sending emails like it was my job.   I also went on some very interesting dates.  Don't worry - those stories are coming this week.  Fun times, get excited! 

"I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted. Where is he?"

This is the prefect quote to begin my blogging life documenting my life on Match.com and more. Oh yes, I have been on eharmony too!

So, just a little something to live by since I started watching Sex And The City during it's HBO years. Charlotte York sums it up perfectly, "I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted. Where is he?"

A little about me... I have amazing friends. Now, almost all of them are married and have kids. When I was 15, I thought I would be married and have my 2nd kid by the time I was 30. Well, I just turned 30 - still single, still dating and still looking for Mr. Right. I'm sure he's out there, but in order to find him I have to get out there too. Hence, online dating. It's like the bars of the 21st century. Someone "winks" at you online it's like someone saying "hi" to you in a bar. Someone sends you an email? It's like them asking if they can buy you a drink. The best part is in both cases you can either ignore them or go with the flow. I've decided to make it fun and try to see what happens. I used to have a type, but the older I get, the more I'm thinking my type probably isn't what I should be looking for.

So, get ready, some good stories are coming your way and some better ones are being made everyday. And, if you have a great online dating story to share, send it my way at mylifeonmatch@gmail.com and maybe I'll post it.