Not my kind of "Out Of This World"

As many of my tweeple know, I went on a date last week that was in one word "odd." But, let me start from the beginning.

I was playing my usual late name game of quickmatch on OK Cupid. You know how some people are addicted to Angry Birds? That's me with quickmatch. I can't rate 'em fast enough! (BTW, they are mostly 1-2 stars! What up cupid - get with the program and get some better aim!) I finally came across a guy who seemed decent, had a job and normal things to say. So I gave him 4 stars and hoped for the best.

The next morning I got a wink and an email from said mystery man and 2 days later we had a date planned for early the next week. I appreciated a lot of things from his emailing... he used correct grammar, spelled whole words and planned the date that was on my side of town. The best part? The date was at a wine bar!

Side note: I figure that bars are a great place for a first date because they have alcohol to divert the attention if need be and the drinks tend to let some nervous or shy people come out of their shell (ps. I don't need alcohol to be me. I was born shell-less).

In his emails he told me that he looked like Clark Kent. Hmm... the expectations were now VERY high. Who actually looks like Clark Kent??

About an hour late I met "Clark" at the bar. He was waiting for me outside (in the rain!) and had already taken the liberty of getting us a table and wine cards. At this point I'm thinking "WOO HOO! This guy is a planner. I like it!" AND... he did look a little like Clark Kent. Yippee!

And that my friends was the high point of the date... We each got a glass of wine, he ordered some food and then the talking began... please note, none of the below items I am about to share were in his profile. Ah, the joys of online dating.

Subject 1: School & Job

Me: Where did you go to school?

Clark: Well, I went to Seminary in NY for a while and now I'm an atheist.

Me: Woah, back up there. You went to seminary? To be a Rabbi? (Yes, his name is very jewish, I went out on the limb, sue me.)

Clark: Yup. I actually graduated from there, but stopped taken my seminary classes 2 years in.

Me: Ok, so now what do you believe in? (Now, I'm fascinated and want to know more!)

Clark: I don't believe in a higher being. I'm a writer now and am really into what else is out there. I spend a lot of time thinking about the other me in a parallel universe. (At this point I wanted to put my fingers together like Evie from Out of the World and get out of this bar, but am oddly interested at the same time.)

Me: huh? Like the show Fringe?

Clark: I don't watch TV.

Me: But, you're a screenwriter?

Clark: Yes, but I write movies.

Me: Cool, like what?

Clark: Well, nothing has been sold yet.

Me: (OMG. Kill me now.) Another glass of wine?

Subject 2: Fate vs Destiny?

The date then takes a turn when he says something about "everything happens for a reason."

Me: Oh, so you believe in fate? Destiny?

Clark: Um, no. Where did you get that?

Me: Well, isn't fate really when everything happens for a reason?

Clark: No.

Me: huh? (This debate continues on for a few minutes while both of us very strongly stand out ground on our beliefs). Oh look, my glass is empty again! (We're getting 1 ounce tastes of everything. I DO need to drive home!)

After our final tasting, I'm getting a little annoyed. I can really talk to anyone about anything and this is like an interview gone bad, yet for some reason, he wants to keep chatting. Finally, Clark agrees that maybe it is time to go and we head outside to our cars.

Me: Where did you park, maybe we can walk together?

Clark: Oh, not that lot. That's the expensive one.

Me: Um, ok. I parked over there (pointing to a different lot across the street)

Clark: Oh good! That's the lot I parked in too!

Me: Great! (Yes, I'm wearing open-toed heels in the rain and am now annoyed.)

As we get to my car...

Clark: Well, this was fun. Not sure if it's rude to say, but I definitely don't think we have a romantic connection. But, I'd still love to hang out sometime.

Me: Haha! I agree! Great... well, you know where to find me!

Clark: Sounds good - nite! (As he roams around having no idea where his car is.)

No. Neither of us have reached out. And the dating game continues!

The Modern Day Love Letter

I have been getting some seriously interesting emails from guys on dating sites lately and some of them are too good to not post.

The thing I don't really understand about this one is that I'm not a "talk radio" fan. My profile says I like music, but nothing says anything about talk radio. What would make him write NPR Anyone?" in the subject line? It doesn't scream OPEN ME, does it?

Email 1 (via Match.com):
Subject: NPR Anyone?
I consider myself to be a well rounded handsome worldly generous individual who appreciates and enjoys the time to cook for people that I deeply appreciate and enjoy. Add some nice red wine and you have someone who resonates with passion for the meaning of living in this world, intellect to talk about worldly politics, after all the world around us is larger then what we see and live in. I would love to learn more about you, your passions, what excites you about life, where did you grow up perhaps share some nice stores of exploring the world over a nice bottle of wine. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Cheers

Unfortunately, I haven't traveled much either. I did the whole "studying abroad" thing, but it's not like I have a treasure chest of "exploring the world" stories. Did I mention in his "about me" he says that he is LONELY?

This next one starts with the online dating cold call and it goes downhill from there.

Email 2 (via OkCupid):
Subject: Are people afraid to meet you?
Well I am. I could have sworn I've seen your profile and emailed you before, but either Cupid is now freelancing as a professional cleaner and wiped it off the map, or I'm mistaken... My favorite dates have by far been the ones staying in with someone getting to know them whilst watching cheesy old movies with some snacks. That's pretty rare for a first date understandably, but I guess I give off that trustworthy vibe. That makes me happy that my true self shines through the filter of the internet. Dinner, or a walk on the beach would be second place. Going to the movies would be the last. Why do people who don't know each other go to sit next to each other in silence at a theater for two hours? weird. At this point, it all comes down to whether or not you think we sound similar or not. Tell Cupid to take a five minute break and take a gander at my profile if you'd like.

So... he's afraid to meet me, but wants to me to come over to his house for our first date?

And, my favorite... the old man email. This was the last of the chain. He is 46, bald and kinda looks like Jennifer Lopez's hip hop ex-husband Chris Whats-His-Face. He winked. I sent him the "thanks, but no thanks," response. He sent me this...

my last three girlfriends were 25 27 29...
i really know how to listen to... understand...enlighten.. teach...spoil and pamper gals your age.. Give me 5 mins on the tel..and i promise i will change your mind..
its time to date a man....not boys.

To my delight, I'm not the only one getting interesting online dating emails. My tweeple @shesaystoomuch and @hotrodgal (please follow them if you're not!) are getting similar "really?" emails in their inboxes.

The "Unfortuante" Email to @shesaystoomuch:
Well. Aren't you gorgeous for being 35 and so tiny. Thought you were underage at first. It's not often I can say that about such a fragile and innocent girl being very attractive. You probably can't keep up with an experienced and bad boy unfortunately, can you? We'd definitely make good looking kids though.

My girl @hotrodgal has too many crazy emails to count, but here are my two favorites:
Email 1. 10 points to the person who can read this and translate it correctly the first time. PS. @hotrodgal is not 15.
hey whats sup i never been with a punk rock chick lol how u doing today love ya page n pics i just got home fom work and checked ur page u seem like cool peoples and age just a number and no im not a man hore lol i have no kids im been livin out here for 3 yrs and only been with one gurl i came from new york and no im not a yankee lol check it im 30 puerto rican italian mix best of both worlds baby wanna be my suga momma lol jk so what u do for fun?

Email 2. There really aren't any words to even describe this.
Dear Life Companion, Since Providence Has Taken The Curvy Wench Out Of My Life, To Reside In Some Far Distant Kingdom, I Am Looking For A Life Companion With Whom To Travel To Society for Creative Anachronism Events Preferably An Ansteorran Woman From The Barony of Raven's Fort Or The Barony of Stargate With A Few Extra Pounds In All The Right Places!!! I like going to the Society for Creative Anachronism. The SCA is an organization dedicated to researching and re-creating the arts and skills of pre-17th-century Europe. Members, dressed in clothing of the Middle Ages and Renaissance, attend events which feature tournaments, royal courts, feasts, dancing, various classes & workshops, and the like. If we were to become friends I was wondering if you would be willing to travel to and attend some of these events with me. You may be familiar with the Texas Renaissance Festival what SCA does is similar that only on a smaller scale. Feel free to ask me ANYTHING and I will try to answer open and HONESTLY.

Honestly, I'm not dressing up and going to fairs with you.

Send me your worst online dating emails and maybe you'll be featured!! Guys out there, do you get emails like these too (that aren't scammers posing to be Russian mail order brides)? At least you can be happy to know you're not alone.

4 Stars for this online dating profile!

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Profile Tips from Me to Every Guy Out There!

I was asked to guest blog on Single City Guy's blog last week and wanted to post expanded tips here as well! I figure the more you know, the better luck you'll have of me not making fun of you! Recently I went on two dates in one week. I was excited about both.

They both looked cute in their online profiles and it seemed like we had a few things in common. Oh, how pictures can be deceiving! Neither date looked ANYTHING like his picture online. One guy even told me that his picture was 10-years-old! So, to help you guys (and girls!) out there who are also in the online dating world, here are a few profile tips to help find you your real match.

While all dating sites are different, the profile picture rules all remain in the same.

1. Make sure your profile picture (and all other photos) has been taken in the past year and a half.
2. Post a clear shot of your face, shoulders up. Stay away from professional headshots and profile photos. We want to see the real you!
3. Steer clear of hats and sunglasses in your main photo. If you’re bald and/or cross-eyed we’re going to find out when we meet you in person anyways… no relationship should be based on lies.

** Girls! This is true for you too! Post of picture of what you look like now, not what you looked like 5 years and 20lbs ago. It’s not fair to either one of you! And… online dating sites are not a model search. Be yourself and maybe you’ll find your match.

Once you have your profile picture down, we would love to learn a little more about you. Some other tips include:

1. Post of picture of something you love to do. Snowboarding, camping, etc. Then we know what kind of activities we’ll be doing together.
2. If you have close relationships with your family and friends, post those pictures and don’t forget to label them. Sisters get mistaken for ex-girlfriends all the time.
3. Do you have a pet? Show us! We need to know who else is shacking up with you!

Now some things you should stay away from:

1. Please don’t post a picture of your penis. If we like you, don’t worry, we’ll see it!
2. Don’t take a picture of yourself in your bathroom mirror with your iPhone or Blackberry. This makes you look like you have no friends. If you’re going to be online dating, you’re going to need pictures of you being you.
3. Stay away from posting pictures of you and other girls. This can send the wrong message that you’re already taken.

With these simple photo rules you should be off to a good start in finding someone that really is your match!

My profile tips are easy too:

1. Check your spelling and grammar. If YOU'RE not sure if you used the correct spelling of YOUR & YOU'RE or THEIR & THERE, google it.
2. Please don't use "TEXT" language in your profile or when sending messages. You're sending an email, not a text and you have a full keyboard!
3. Be specific of what you're looking for. If you just want to meet some new friends, say that. But, if you're actually looking for a relationship, we want to know that too. On that note, if you want to get laid, say you're looking for something "casual." Yes, there are girls out there who are looking for that too.
4. Be honest. Tell us about YOU. Again, as stated above, it's never good to start a relationship off on lies.
5. THINK about your intro. There are a few common lines you should stay away from. These include, "My mom thinks I'm a catch," "I can't believe I'm actually online dating," and "It's so hard to write a summary about yourself!" We're all in the same boat! Say something original!
6. Don't state something you're not. I.e. You're not a foodie just because you like food and you're not "cultural" if you like Shark Week on TV (Just some examples I've run into!).
7. Re-read your profile before you post it. If something sounds a little "off" we're going to think they same thing. But for us, "off" will mean creepy, weird and psycho killer.
8. Don't try so hard to be funny/witty. Sarcasm and wit don't come across well in the written word. So write that you have a "sarcastic sense of humor," but save it for our date.
9. Respond! When a girl reaches out to you and she's not what you're looking for, give the "no thanks" if you're comfortable. Then no one is sitting at home wondering if "he's just not that into you" we now know.
10. Be you! (but, don't forget all of the other tips in the process)
11. Be an active online dater. You can't just throw your profile up and hope your dream girl will swoon. You need to put in the effort to get what you're looking for.

Anything I missed? Happy online dating!

The Geography of Online Dating

As we know, different sites attract different people. But, what I didn't know is that this foray in online dating love is just a big geography game!

For example... while I have found that eharmony in Los Angeles is full of IT guys and techies, it apparently attracts a totally different kind of guy on the East Coast. Another observation? OK Cupid is crawling with "aspiring actors" and "filmmakers" in Los Angeles, but is a engineer's dream in North Carolina.

So, what gives? Are there just different guys out there who are willing to try online dating or are they looking for something more specific? Are "aspiring actors" just looking for their next meal in LA and are the Techies looking for someone to bring home to the family for the holidays?

I feel like I have a good grasp on the online dating game, but am stumped with this one. Is the key to finding love opening up my mind to a cross country romance? Remember, I think driving to Orange County from LA is a long distance relationship.

I need to know... what does each site offer you in your town? When we get more specifics, I'll add them to the map. As of now we have Peter Pans, Aspiring Actors/Filmmakers, Cowboys/All-American Men, Techies/Engineers and Ex-Frat Guys/Sports Fans. Am I missing anything?

Boys, don't worry, I'm happy to make a map for you. What's out there? Is Plenty of fish full of potential one-night-stands? Do the girls on OK Cupid not leave enough to the imagination? Spill.