The Modern Day Love Letter

I have been getting some seriously interesting emails from guys on dating sites lately and some of them are too good to not post.

The thing I don't really understand about this one is that I'm not a "talk radio" fan. My profile says I like music, but nothing says anything about talk radio. What would make him write NPR Anyone?" in the subject line? It doesn't scream OPEN ME, does it?

Email 1 (via Match.com):
Subject: NPR Anyone?
I consider myself to be a well rounded handsome worldly generous individual who appreciates and enjoys the time to cook for people that I deeply appreciate and enjoy. Add some nice red wine and you have someone who resonates with passion for the meaning of living in this world, intellect to talk about worldly politics, after all the world around us is larger then what we see and live in. I would love to learn more about you, your passions, what excites you about life, where did you grow up perhaps share some nice stores of exploring the world over a nice bottle of wine. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Cheers

Unfortunately, I haven't traveled much either. I did the whole "studying abroad" thing, but it's not like I have a treasure chest of "exploring the world" stories. Did I mention in his "about me" he says that he is LONELY?

This next one starts with the online dating cold call and it goes downhill from there.

Email 2 (via OkCupid):
Subject: Are people afraid to meet you?
Well I am. I could have sworn I've seen your profile and emailed you before, but either Cupid is now freelancing as a professional cleaner and wiped it off the map, or I'm mistaken... My favorite dates have by far been the ones staying in with someone getting to know them whilst watching cheesy old movies with some snacks. That's pretty rare for a first date understandably, but I guess I give off that trustworthy vibe. That makes me happy that my true self shines through the filter of the internet. Dinner, or a walk on the beach would be second place. Going to the movies would be the last. Why do people who don't know each other go to sit next to each other in silence at a theater for two hours? weird. At this point, it all comes down to whether or not you think we sound similar or not. Tell Cupid to take a five minute break and take a gander at my profile if you'd like.

So... he's afraid to meet me, but wants to me to come over to his house for our first date?

And, my favorite... the old man email. This was the last of the chain. He is 46, bald and kinda looks like Jennifer Lopez's hip hop ex-husband Chris Whats-His-Face. He winked. I sent him the "thanks, but no thanks," response. He sent me this...

my last three girlfriends were 25 27 29...
i really know how to listen to... understand...enlighten.. teach...spoil and pamper gals your age.. Give me 5 mins on the tel..and i promise i will change your mind..
its time to date a man....not boys.

To my delight, I'm not the only one getting interesting online dating emails. My tweeple @shesaystoomuch and @hotrodgal (please follow them if you're not!) are getting similar "really?" emails in their inboxes.

The "Unfortuante" Email to @shesaystoomuch:
Well. Aren't you gorgeous for being 35 and so tiny. Thought you were underage at first. It's not often I can say that about such a fragile and innocent girl being very attractive. You probably can't keep up with an experienced and bad boy unfortunately, can you? We'd definitely make good looking kids though.

My girl @hotrodgal has too many crazy emails to count, but here are my two favorites:
Email 1. 10 points to the person who can read this and translate it correctly the first time. PS. @hotrodgal is not 15.
hey whats sup i never been with a punk rock chick lol how u doing today love ya page n pics i just got home fom work and checked ur page u seem like cool peoples and age just a number and no im not a man hore lol i have no kids im been livin out here for 3 yrs and only been with one gurl i came from new york and no im not a yankee lol check it im 30 puerto rican italian mix best of both worlds baby wanna be my suga momma lol jk so what u do for fun?

Email 2. There really aren't any words to even describe this.
Dear Life Companion, Since Providence Has Taken The Curvy Wench Out Of My Life, To Reside In Some Far Distant Kingdom, I Am Looking For A Life Companion With Whom To Travel To Society for Creative Anachronism Events Preferably An Ansteorran Woman From The Barony of Raven's Fort Or The Barony of Stargate With A Few Extra Pounds In All The Right Places!!! I like going to the Society for Creative Anachronism. The SCA is an organization dedicated to researching and re-creating the arts and skills of pre-17th-century Europe. Members, dressed in clothing of the Middle Ages and Renaissance, attend events which feature tournaments, royal courts, feasts, dancing, various classes & workshops, and the like. If we were to become friends I was wondering if you would be willing to travel to and attend some of these events with me. You may be familiar with the Texas Renaissance Festival what SCA does is similar that only on a smaller scale. Feel free to ask me ANYTHING and I will try to answer open and HONESTLY.

Honestly, I'm not dressing up and going to fairs with you.

Send me your worst online dating emails and maybe you'll be featured!! Guys out there, do you get emails like these too (that aren't scammers posing to be Russian mail order brides)? At least you can be happy to know you're not alone.

Sexter Update! (and the future of Sexting?)

My tweeple know that The Sexter is on my shit list. He came back from a few weeks away and I have discovered he can talk the talk, but can't walk the walk.

When he returned, sexts picked up right where they left off. Things were hot and heavy until his impromptu visit to my office. He stopped by, said hi and left. Now, this is not how I saw things going in my mind? I pictured things getting pushed off my desk as I was being pushed onto it! No, that didn't happen.

When I texted him later that afternoon saying... "Seriously? Hi? Bummed to know you can talk the talk, but can't walk the walk. Slam me against a wall and have your way with me or stop texting me. This is getting boring."

His response? "Maybe it's better it just fantasize." OH. NO. HE. DIDN'T! Now, this would be one thing if we had never met, but he not only knows what I look like, but has known me for 10 years!

So... back to the grind. Or at least I thought... Apple is trying to eff my new sexting hobby too! Thank God, I'm not 16.

A patent (filed in 2008) was just approved for "systems, devices, and methods" of filtering "text-based messages" based on "objectionable content." You know: Sexting and my recent pastime. This iPhone app can now help overbearing parents control their children's text messages and email. Again, THANK God I'm not 16 and didn't live in the age of text messages in high school.

Here's the text of the patent:
"Systems, devices, and methods are provided for enabling a user to control the content of text-based messages sent to or received from an administered device. In some embodiments, a message will be blocked (incoming or outgoing) if the message includes forbidden content. In other embodiments, the objectionable content is removed from the message prior to transmission or as part of the receiving process. The content of such a message is controlled by filtering the message based on defined criteria. The criteria may be defined according to a parental control application. These techniques also may be used, in accordance with instructional embodiments, to require the administered devices to include certain text in messages. These embodiments might, for example, require that a certain number of Spanish words per day be included in e-mails for a child learning Spanish "

In my day, I would have found a way to get around this. For example, my friends and I used to refer to the liquor store as the "library" and beer as "books." My parents probably caught on, but it took them a few tries. So, my guess is that teens will figure out ways to get around content-blocking, like using different words, or, say, picking up the phone and calling their sexters.

I also don't get the whole "Spanish" thing...

As a fun little comment game, post your favorite sext to get around this new app. I dare you.

If I was a teen I would sext something like... "I can't wait rub your corn cob between my chest pillows." Bwhahahaha!

Is it possible to have the Happiness TRIFECTA?

My friends and I have talked about this for years and all agree that the Happiness Trifecta may just be an urban legend, but for me, it has always been something that I can't seem to get around! For those of you who don't know what it is, the Happiness Trifecta (I'm working on my Trademark and copyright as we speak!) is when everything is going great in your love life, home life and work life all at the same time. Yes, it seems insane, because it is. With things like Murphy's Law the minute one thing seems to be going well something else gets all effed up.

For example, you get a great job and move into a new huge apartment with ocean views. The minute things are going well, your boyfriend breaks up with you.

Then, work seems to be going well, your house is all decorated and you meet someone new. A month later you get laid off and you're back to where you started.

Now, while I believe the Happiness Trifecta to be a governing movement in my life, I always add the elusive "health" factor in too. This just makes things annoying... things are going great and then I'm walking around with swine flu!

So, I ask you all out there is the Happiness Trifecta something you believe in? Think about it and let me know...

When Your Ex-Boyfriend Pees on You

If I was a dog, my ex-boyfriend peed on me this weekend. Yup, he marked his territory to make sure no other dogs would want anything to do with me. And, the best part? We haven't really talked in about two years.

A little background info...

McDouche (ex-Boyf, who used to be a McDreamy and is now known as McDouche) and I dated for a year long distance (LA to Northern California). That was four years ago. We grew up in the same town except he graduated four years before me. I had always known about him, but when we met at a bar post college, sparks flew. A day before I moved to Northern California he emailed me. Our first date was three days long. I fell hard.

We broke up the day before my 27th bday and nine days before my sister's wedding. Everyone at the wedding asked where he was and why he wasn't there. It was a nightmare.

A few months later I moved back to Los Angeles for a job and he could've cared less. He Facebooked me. I ignored him. Unfortunately, because we grew up in the same town, there is still a lot of crossover. My sisters run into him and his new girlfriend all the time. And that's exactly what happened this past weekend.

My sister was at a street fair and ended up at the local bar. She really wants me to find someone wonderful and whenever she sees a cute guy she asks if he is single and if he wants my number. (Hell, I date people I meet online, my little sis pimping me out can't be any worse!) So, she saw a cute guy (yes, someone else from the town we grew up in) and got his card for me. Then, she ran into McDouche. McDouche was sitting next to his latest girlfriend and said hello. He then noticed the card (that read, "For Emily" on it) in my little sister's hand and grabbed it. He looked at it, ripped it up and said "Your sister deserves better than this."

Seriously? He should have just peed on me in this animal kingdom we call a world. It would have been easier.

My sister gave the cute new guy my info anyways. We'll see what happens.

I Have Entered the FRIEND ZONE

As you guys know, I'm in sexter withdrawal and spent the last two weeks giving the Banker a chance. Here's the update...

It's been about three weeks and we've gone on three dates. The Banker is what you want your friends to marry. He is so sweet, pays for everything, and asks thoughtful questions. For example, I was out of town for a few days and he asked if we wanted to grab dinner and then go back to my place so I could catch up on my TV. No, I'm not dumb, I'm sure he wanted to go back to my place for a different reason, but the fact that he knows I have a close and complicated relationship with my dvr is nice.

Our second date was great. We went to a really nice dinner, got a little buzzed and made out like teenagers while watching Jersey Shore. It was FUN.

The problem? Last week we entered the FRIEND ZONE.

We decided to grab an early dinner and catch a movie. The whole date was great, but mid-movie as my hand was in the 7th grade pose hoping to get grabbed, I realized I really didn't want my hand to be grabbed. Our dinner conversation was more on a friend level. Now, we were in the dark and there was nothing urging me to put my hand on his leg, whisper in his ear, etc.

After the movie we headed back to my house. (side note: the electronic house music in the car was a bit of a buzz kill even when not drinking.) I was pooped, but invited him. Come on... I'm really trying here! Now, we're in my house and NOTHING. We watched TV. He leaned over and kissed me and the hot make-out sesh we had had the week before was a thing of the past. (This again, just proved to me the importance of alcohol in a relationship!) The kiss was wet and sloppy.

I'm now going to have to have the talk... "It's not you, It's me." "You're such a nice guy." "There just isn't any chemistry."

Back to the drawing board... have three dates set up for the next two weeks. And... we'll see if the sexter picks things up where he left them off.

My question to you all this week is... what does the FRIEND ZONE look like for you? And, what do you do once you're in it??

My Sexting Cherry Has Been Popped

I still don't really know how this happen. One day I was a sexting virgin and the next day I'm sending things in texts I wouldn't do in real life... Who is this slutty girl and how the hell did she get her hands on my iPhone? Oh, wait... that scandalous sexting girl is me!

So, the last week has been filled with confusion, dates and sexts all having almost nothing to do with each other.

Lets start with the sexting. Midweek I went on a lunch date with a guy friend. I guy I have known for ages. I even dated one of his friends. We were going to lunch because I wanted to set him up with one of my friend's friends. Somewhere between lunch and getting back to our offices (a 5-minute walk) the emails began. Over the afternoon, the emails were flirty, fun and a little risque. Once day turned to night the emails turned to sexts.

If you were in my apartment with me, my face would have looked something like this...

Two days and 562 texts sent and received later, my face looked like this:

Over the weekend I slowly turned into Pavlov's dog of sexting. I would hear the ding of texts coming in and all of the blood would rush down to my nether region. Words like naughty, tits, and cock were filling me head. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, but I'm not a one-night-stand kind-of-girl either.

In the midst of all of this, I'm also getting completely PG texts from a guy I've been out with a few times (we'll call him the Banker). The Banker is so nice, great on paper and "hopes I'm having a great day" every morning. The problem? I'm not all that physically attracted to him (although he is a good kisser). And all I can think about is getting slammed against a wall letting sexting boy have his way with me.

No, I haven't seen sexting boy in person since our lunch, but our sexts sessions have been wild and have taken place everyday from about noon to two and then 9-11 every night for almost a week.

It's like I have a devil and angel on my shoulders and need to make a decision... or I could just play this whole thing out and see what happens. The nice guy who wants to take me on dates and tells me I'm pretty or the sexter or wants me to send him pics of my boobs, but gets me all hot and bothered (yes, he is cute and has a job)?

Also... have you noticed that when it rains, it pours? No dates all of August and now I have 4 set up for next week. This dating/sexting this is exhausting, but you won't hear my complaining!

I wanna hear everyone's take on sexting. I'm still trying to figure out how it's such a huge fad with teens. Are they THAT sexually active that they have the knowledge of what to sext or do they just watch a lot of porn and follow the leader? Just so you know, phrases like "you naughty, dirty girl" are SO passe.

Fine... Sometimes It's My Fault

I'm baaack! As many of you know, I took a much-needed dating hiatus for the month of August. I needed some me time. To hang out with my friends, move into my new apartment, clean out my closet and get rid of everything that I didn't need. I purged. I purged both material items and things in my life I realized weren't good for me... shitty friends, a few extra pounds, old emails from x-boyfriends, etc.

Now, it's September. I'm 31 and ready to date men, not boys. August was also the month when dove into The Duchess Guide Summer Loving Series. The class is about focusing on yourself and what you want out of life, love, etc. (I recommend everyone check out the site stat, because Duchess Jill Brown is amazing!) One thing I learned about myself is that sometimes a crappy date is 100% my fault! While I would like to believe that I am perfect, I'm not and have been known a time or two to eff things up just fine on my own.

So, in the name of rehabing myself, I'm gonna come clean and tell the world about a few dates where I was the one who effed up.

Bachelor #1:

I met B#1 on Match. He reached out to me, was older, attractive and seemed to have his shit together. He was perfect on paper and seemed pretty perfect in person too. We met at a cute restaurant in LA and upon meeting me suggested we parlay drinks to dinner. WOO HOO. About an hour into dinner I realize that I have down 2 glasses of wine pretty quickly. As dinner was being removed and B#1 was reviewing the dessert menu, I try to be funny, tell a story with my hands and knock over glass of wine #3 into B#1's lap while drowning his blackberry on the way. Instead of laughing this off like I hoped he would, we called it a night and I never heard from B#1 again (that is until I was matched up with him on eharmony last month. Yes, story about that will come soon as we are supposed to have drinks in a few weeks.).

Bachelor #2:

I actually went out with B#2 during my dating hiatus. He emailed me one morning and asked if I wanted to get coffee. 2 hours later we were at one of my least favorite restaurants not drinking coffee (I'm still confused about that part). Either way, it was a nice little get to know you. He asked me to email him my number - which I did when I got back to the office. A week went by and radio silence. There was this great event coming up that I thought he would like, so I emailed him and said "Bummer, I guess I had more fun on our little get to know you than you did. Anyways, thought you would love this event." He responded with, "I've been texting you and haven't heard back."

That's right kids, I gave him the wrong number. I emailed from my iPhone and put in a 7 where an 8 should have been. No worries - problem solved! Or so I thought...

A few days later I asked if he wanted to hit up a bbq with me that weekend. The next morning I check my match to see that my subscription has expired. No big deal, I'll renew. Then as I try to input my credit card info I'm alerted that the number has been stolen and the bank has now frozen all of my assets. That's right I can't re-subscribe until I can get a hold of the bank. That doesn't happen until the morning of the party (due to the holiday weekend) where B#2 has now emailed me 2 days earlier saying he would love to come. I called B#2 to set things up and haven't heard back. I even texted an apology and still nothing.

So, see? Sometimes the stars aren't aligned and things can't always work out the way you want them to. I am at fault sometimes and am now more ready than ever before to see what else life has to throw at me. Lots of dates set up for the next few weeks... stay tuned.