That's Right... I'm now taking marriage advice from a 5 year old

Well, at least SHE thinks, I'm doing it right. I've got the job, where's the man?

Don't you have ANYONE to set me up with??

You know how once you hit a certain age, you start asking anyone and everyone, "don't you have someone to set me up with?" Then you you start asking around and it seems that NO ONE has anyone to set you up with. I have yet to understand how this is possible... My favorite friend line is, "Yes, I know some single guys, but I am NOT introducing them to you. They are single for a reason."

Wait... does that mean I'm single for a reason??

No fear singletons... there is ANOTHER online app that leverages the power of your friends on Facebook to hook up their single friends. Introducing, Heartbroker.

If you haven't clued in yet, a "heartbroker" is the friend you pick to profile you to help you find the one true love. The idea behind the new company is that friends won't lie and will do their best to find you a match (or get your laid - depending on the friend).

Here’s how the company describes the process: “Heartbroker works by having singles ask their trusted friends to write a testimonial and rate them on five simple attributes. The testimonials are listed on singles’ profiles so that their matches can evaluate them. The attribute ratings, on the other hand, remain confidential to encourage honest feedback, and are used to determine compatibility with others. Friends can also try their hand at playing Cupid with Heartbroker by suggesting matches to their single friends.”

My favorite part is that the singleton must first approve a Heartbroker for the feedback to count, so you don't need to worry about a crazy college roommate (dude, how insane does that movie look, btw?) posting something out you and trying to get you killed by an axe murderer.

Once you approve the testimonial from you Heartbroker, it is displayed on your public profile (don't forget single boys, NO pics in the bathroom mirror with our without your shirt on), which can then be viewed by other Heartbroker users.

Now, a little bit about the testimonial. It's really not that much work. Your friend will rate you on attractiveness (if they say you're ugly, then they are not your friend!), intellect, humor, kindness and “outgoingness.” Now, the company claims the attribute ratings are used only in the company’s matching algorithm and not shown to anyone (ala eHarmony anyone?). That data will always remain hidden, but your friend will see the testimonial you wrote about them, as long as you approve. Make sense?

For now, the site is exclusive to Facebook. To participate, you must have a Facebook account and cannot profile a friend who is not on Facebook. Who doesn't have a Facebook account?? And Zoosk - you might be screwed.

The idea behind the site is to make the online dating process more social, moving it away from the “solitary self-promotion” ofthe current online dating market.

So, I'm gonna get my little sister to write something amazing about me and I'll report back when I'm married in a few months. Till then - Happy Valentine's Day!

Marriage in 60 seconds

And we're all looking for love, why? GREAT video :)

Chance Encounters - You can online date, but you can't hide!

Why? Why is it when you break up with someone they always seem to make their way back into your life? My answer is that the world is too small and online dating makes it even smaller. You can online date, but you can't hide!

Chance Encounter 1:

My ex-boyfriend, who I dated for over a year and broke up with me days before my sister's wedding (see my ex-boyfriend peed on me entry), hadn't seen each other in about a year. I had started a new job and was looking for love online.

Me: Ooh! I have a message from someone! (log on).

Inbox: Letter from x-boyfriend. "Fancy meeting you here! Wow! We're a 97% match! Who knew?

Me: Inside my very annoyed head... "SERIOUSLY?? Um, we were together for a year."

Outbox: Letter from me back to ex-boyfriend. "Yeah. Damn that 3%, huh?"

Inbox: Radio Silence.

Chance Encounter 2:

The banker (see Friend Zone entry) who I met on Match. The banker is still a doll. Nice guy who I just didn't and don't want to have sex with. In an effort to find someone I do want to have sex with, I joined a high-end gym in LA. As I am there in my workout clothes and sporting my holiday winter weight, The banker walks in and says hello.

The banker: Hey! What are you doing here?

Me: Ya know, joining a gym. Good holiday (and other annoying small talk in front of gym membership girl)?

The banker: Yes, it was amazing.

Me: So, hey, since you're standing here... do you want my referral?

Membership girl: You get a free month!!

The banker: Sure, that would be awesome.

Me: Well, it's the least I can do to pay you back after all those nice dates that didn't really pan out for you. (yes, I actually said that as the membership girl starts to giggle)

The banker: Um, cool, thanks.

Me: Oooookay! Bye!

Chance Encounter 3:

Another online doozy! My little sister ran into a hot older guy that lives where we grew up this fall (Again, see my ex-boyf the pisser!). Apparently after reaching out to hot older guy on my own and not hearing back, I have discovered that he really only wanted to hit on my little married sister, than get my number. He is now on Match. We are a 90% match and I check him out everyday just to make him feel bad.

Chance Encounter 4-6:

I went to a school where the girls were kinda cute and the boys were so-so. Still, I always had a cute boyfriend or someone to make out with and have gorgeous girl friends. Either way, most of my friends didn't marry someone we went to school with, so it's no shock when I see them online. The funny thing is when they see YOU online! In the last three weeks, I have seen and been checked out by someone I made out with on Valentine's Day '99, someone I took condoms from for a sorority treasure hunt in '00 and then someone I dated briefly post college in '02, but I met in school. That's right girls, my sloppy seconds are up grabs on Match! Who wants 'em?

The thing that makes me laugh is that I live in a HUGE city, how can the internet (and one dating site) make the world so small?

Singledom during the holidays...

You're not alone. I went through some holiday depression this holiday season. Woe is me... I'm carrying around some winter weight (tan fat is hands down better than white fat!) and both my sisters have husbands and their own families when I have myself... But, I took that thought and ran with it. I have myself. No one to be responsible for, no extra people to spend money on, no in-laws to deal with during the holidays. No surprise here, but I perked up pretty quick!

This happy holiday attitude was in part to my tweeps and their thoughts on what singledom means to them during the holidays. This is what they came up with. Hope it perks you up too. There are some pros to being single during the holidays!

Finish this sentence, "Singledom during the holidays means..."
@MyLifeonMatch one less person to shop for!
@lunalove31 i don't have to bring anything thing to my mom's house b/c i dont have a plus 1... YES
@MeetMeninNY not having to go someone else an expensive gift
@Singleintheciti I'm not disappointed when he get's me a crappy gift
@Singleintheciti I don't have to spend time with someone else's family that I may not really like
@LAmoureuseand I don't have to pretend to restrain myself on xmas cake
@MsChick74 being able to kiss more than one guy under the mistletoe!
@ButterandHoney not having to buy &/or receive gifts from significant other where u have to feign excitement. "Gee, thx! U shouldn't have..."
@misstaylorcast I can afford the $200 I just spent on a coat instead of a gift for a bf
@singlegirlie No relationship drama!
@SSDated Bliss. The most fun possible. Sexy fun. Freedom. Whatever your little heart desires
@TheDatingFiles Less Stress!
@CoolAssPuppy More cupcakes for me!
@hotrodgal means no arguing over whose family to spend the holidays with and more eggnog for me!!
@maryjanedupott more $ to buy ME something special and i know i'll like it.
@BSargentOKC one less family to feel awkward around.

And my FAVORITE! @BobbiPal Love can be right around the corner

So, don't have to have a Blue Christmas this holiday season. Live it up! Take that extra cash you would have spent on someone else and join a gym, join an online dating service or just meet up with your friends, have a few cocktails and make fun of all of your married friends that are having to eat dry Turkey and wear an ugly sweater at their in-law's house.

2010 has been a GREAT year for me and I know 2011 will be even better. HUGE cheers and thanks to all my tweeps out there. You guys rock and remind me that I'm not alone in this crazy life of a singleton (during the holidays!)

Make sure to check out the tweeps above and if you're not on twitter yet, 2011 is the perfect time to start. I tweet during dates. Yup... that's reason enough to join! Please pass this post on and finish this sentence in the comments yourself... "Singledom during the holidays means..."

The Modern Day Love Letter

I have been getting some seriously interesting emails from guys on dating sites lately and some of them are too good to not post.

The thing I don't really understand about this one is that I'm not a "talk radio" fan. My profile says I like music, but nothing says anything about talk radio. What would make him write NPR Anyone?" in the subject line? It doesn't scream OPEN ME, does it?

Email 1 (via Match.com):
Subject: NPR Anyone?
I consider myself to be a well rounded handsome worldly generous individual who appreciates and enjoys the time to cook for people that I deeply appreciate and enjoy. Add some nice red wine and you have someone who resonates with passion for the meaning of living in this world, intellect to talk about worldly politics, after all the world around us is larger then what we see and live in. I would love to learn more about you, your passions, what excites you about life, where did you grow up perhaps share some nice stores of exploring the world over a nice bottle of wine. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Cheers

Unfortunately, I haven't traveled much either. I did the whole "studying abroad" thing, but it's not like I have a treasure chest of "exploring the world" stories. Did I mention in his "about me" he says that he is LONELY?

This next one starts with the online dating cold call and it goes downhill from there.

Email 2 (via OkCupid):
Subject: Are people afraid to meet you?
Well I am. I could have sworn I've seen your profile and emailed you before, but either Cupid is now freelancing as a professional cleaner and wiped it off the map, or I'm mistaken... My favorite dates have by far been the ones staying in with someone getting to know them whilst watching cheesy old movies with some snacks. That's pretty rare for a first date understandably, but I guess I give off that trustworthy vibe. That makes me happy that my true self shines through the filter of the internet. Dinner, or a walk on the beach would be second place. Going to the movies would be the last. Why do people who don't know each other go to sit next to each other in silence at a theater for two hours? weird. At this point, it all comes down to whether or not you think we sound similar or not. Tell Cupid to take a five minute break and take a gander at my profile if you'd like.

So... he's afraid to meet me, but wants to me to come over to his house for our first date?

And, my favorite... the old man email. This was the last of the chain. He is 46, bald and kinda looks like Jennifer Lopez's hip hop ex-husband Chris Whats-His-Face. He winked. I sent him the "thanks, but no thanks," response. He sent me this...

my last three girlfriends were 25 27 29...
i really know how to listen to... understand...enlighten.. teach...spoil and pamper gals your age.. Give me 5 mins on the tel..and i promise i will change your mind..
its time to date a man....not boys.

To my delight, I'm not the only one getting interesting online dating emails. My tweeple @shesaystoomuch and @hotrodgal (please follow them if you're not!) are getting similar "really?" emails in their inboxes.

The "Unfortuante" Email to @shesaystoomuch:
Well. Aren't you gorgeous for being 35 and so tiny. Thought you were underage at first. It's not often I can say that about such a fragile and innocent girl being very attractive. You probably can't keep up with an experienced and bad boy unfortunately, can you? We'd definitely make good looking kids though.

My girl @hotrodgal has too many crazy emails to count, but here are my two favorites:
Email 1. 10 points to the person who can read this and translate it correctly the first time. PS. @hotrodgal is not 15.
hey whats sup i never been with a punk rock chick lol how u doing today love ya page n pics i just got home fom work and checked ur page u seem like cool peoples and age just a number and no im not a man hore lol i have no kids im been livin out here for 3 yrs and only been with one gurl i came from new york and no im not a yankee lol check it im 30 puerto rican italian mix best of both worlds baby wanna be my suga momma lol jk so what u do for fun?

Email 2. There really aren't any words to even describe this.
Dear Life Companion, Since Providence Has Taken The Curvy Wench Out Of My Life, To Reside In Some Far Distant Kingdom, I Am Looking For A Life Companion With Whom To Travel To Society for Creative Anachronism Events Preferably An Ansteorran Woman From The Barony of Raven's Fort Or The Barony of Stargate With A Few Extra Pounds In All The Right Places!!! I like going to the Society for Creative Anachronism. The SCA is an organization dedicated to researching and re-creating the arts and skills of pre-17th-century Europe. Members, dressed in clothing of the Middle Ages and Renaissance, attend events which feature tournaments, royal courts, feasts, dancing, various classes & workshops, and the like. If we were to become friends I was wondering if you would be willing to travel to and attend some of these events with me. You may be familiar with the Texas Renaissance Festival what SCA does is similar that only on a smaller scale. Feel free to ask me ANYTHING and I will try to answer open and HONESTLY.

Honestly, I'm not dressing up and going to fairs with you.

Send me your worst online dating emails and maybe you'll be featured!! Guys out there, do you get emails like these too (that aren't scammers posing to be Russian mail order brides)? At least you can be happy to know you're not alone.

Sexter Update! (and the future of Sexting?)

My tweeple know that The Sexter is on my shit list. He came back from a few weeks away and I have discovered he can talk the talk, but can't walk the walk.

When he returned, sexts picked up right where they left off. Things were hot and heavy until his impromptu visit to my office. He stopped by, said hi and left. Now, this is not how I saw things going in my mind? I pictured things getting pushed off my desk as I was being pushed onto it! No, that didn't happen.

When I texted him later that afternoon saying... "Seriously? Hi? Bummed to know you can talk the talk, but can't walk the walk. Slam me against a wall and have your way with me or stop texting me. This is getting boring."

His response? "Maybe it's better it just fantasize." OH. NO. HE. DIDN'T! Now, this would be one thing if we had never met, but he not only knows what I look like, but has known me for 10 years!

So... back to the grind. Or at least I thought... Apple is trying to eff my new sexting hobby too! Thank God, I'm not 16.

A patent (filed in 2008) was just approved for "systems, devices, and methods" of filtering "text-based messages" based on "objectionable content." You know: Sexting and my recent pastime. This iPhone app can now help overbearing parents control their children's text messages and email. Again, THANK God I'm not 16 and didn't live in the age of text messages in high school.

Here's the text of the patent:
"Systems, devices, and methods are provided for enabling a user to control the content of text-based messages sent to or received from an administered device. In some embodiments, a message will be blocked (incoming or outgoing) if the message includes forbidden content. In other embodiments, the objectionable content is removed from the message prior to transmission or as part of the receiving process. The content of such a message is controlled by filtering the message based on defined criteria. The criteria may be defined according to a parental control application. These techniques also may be used, in accordance with instructional embodiments, to require the administered devices to include certain text in messages. These embodiments might, for example, require that a certain number of Spanish words per day be included in e-mails for a child learning Spanish "

In my day, I would have found a way to get around this. For example, my friends and I used to refer to the liquor store as the "library" and beer as "books." My parents probably caught on, but it took them a few tries. So, my guess is that teens will figure out ways to get around content-blocking, like using different words, or, say, picking up the phone and calling their sexters.

I also don't get the whole "Spanish" thing...

As a fun little comment game, post your favorite sext to get around this new app. I dare you.

If I was a teen I would sext something like... "I can't wait rub your corn cob between my chest pillows." Bwhahahaha!